Happy New Year, Part III

I will remember 2010 as the first year I saw a movie trailer where the only release date was for iTunes (no attempt at a theatrical run or DVD pressing to boot), that the video game Guitar Hero got a functioning six-string guitar and people called it progress, and Wendy's burger chain changed their fries recipe to be more "natural."

My Favorite Non-New Release Movie I Saw for the First Time - My Geisha (1962); second place goes to Mr. Saturday Night (1992) and third place goes to Biloxi Blues (1988)

My Movie-Watching Resolution - to give up on new releases; as much as I love going to the theater, I gotta get used to the fact that they might not be around forever; I hate this trend toward 3D (especially as a last ditch effort to "save multiplexes") and as much as I enjoyed the remake of True Grit, it mostly just made me realize that all movies used to be that good; it's been bothering me for years when people say that the quality of Hollywood movies has been steadily decreasing because I don't think box office numbers are a true measure of anything, but then a movie like Avatar makes as much as it does and it makes me question the entire direction that Hollywood is heading

For the "Best and Worst Movies" I saw the first half of the year, see my 7/8/10 post (combine the lists there with the ones here for my top ten of 2010).

Best New Movies I've Seen Since July (in order of personal significance; although I enjoyed Black Swan, Inception and True Grit, I wouldn't call any of them favorites; I still look forward to watching 127 Hours, The Fighter and The King's Speech)

1. Burlesque (November 26) I keep telling everyone that if they liked Coyote Ugly they'll love Burlesque (and that's coming from someone who never liked Cher or Christina Aguilera). Then people keep telling me that they've never seen Coyote Ugly. But that doesn't exactly refute my point, does it?

2. The Social Network (October 1) read my 12/28/10 review

3. The Town (September 17) really got me thinking about the lack of choices left to ex-cons; this isn't nice guy Ben Affleck, and the scene where he throws the child (his own?) out of the room was almost more than I could bear, but so were a lot of scenes in Gone Baby Gone, which he directed years before this; forget about all the other characters besides the community itself, because that's the one the movie's named after

4. Going the Distance (September 3) not funnier than Burlesque or The Social Network, but certainly on par with Despicable Me (which is missing here because of all the lame disco dance numbers) and Easy A (which is absent from this list because of an unlikely Mark Twain claim)

5. Monsters (October 29) if you don't mind slowpaced indie movies that randomly scare you and simulaneously break your heart, here's a dreamy picture with minimal characters, minimal dialogue and best of all, minimal but believable cheap special effects (using the director's laptop); I may not have liked it better than The Eclipse, which is comparable, but I can't remember if I saw that movie before July or after (it's been available for instant viewing on Netflix for months now)

Worst New Movies I've Actually Seen Since July (in order of offensiveness; keep in mind that I kinda liked All About Evil, Predators and Shrek Forever After; call me a masochist, but I still look forward to watching Cop Out, The Last Airbender and The Switch)

1. Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married Too? (April 2) I keep telling everyone that if they ever make a Michael Jackson biopic, they should get his sister Janet to play him. Then people keep telling me that's an ignorant thing to say. But is it any worse than having Janet play a divorcée who drives her ex-husband to kill himself in front of his friends and coworkers?

2. Sex and the City 2 (May 28) Ignorant, ignorant, ignorant. The only reason this is here and not Date Night is because I couldn't make it all the way through Date Night.

3. Tiny Furniture (November 12) I liked the handpicked music, the smart dialogue, and the trendy sets on this movie and on Greenberg also, but why do the main characters on most indie movies have to be such horrible people? And not even antiheroes - just boring, spiteful, ugly people.

4. Grown Ups (June 25) There is no way that these guys would ever be friends in the first place, much less bring their families together decades later. When Adam Sandler slapped Rob Schneider with his own banana the first time, it was mean, but funny. After the fourth or fifth or sixtieth time...

5. The Kids Are All Right (July 9) Based on the hype, I thought I'd be exposed to a less shallow, less voyeuristic gay movie, but instead I got an is-she-gay-or-isn't-she soap opera love triangle, same as you'd see on Showtime's The L Word and a ripoff of that scene in Love Actually where Emma Thompson discovers her husband is definitely cheating

Songs I've Discovered (and Rediscovered) Since July (in alphabetical order):

1. "Acapella (Benny Benassi Remix)" - Kelis; at first I thought this was the same girl that performed "Let's Go Crazy" at the BET awards, but that was Janelle Monáe; I must have heard of Kelis from her work with Björk, Robyn or David Guetta, who did last year's "When Love Takes Over;" I like it when R&B artists go electro, as further evidenced at the bottom of this playlist

2. "Bang a Gong (Get It On)" - T. Rex; when I heard "Children of the Revolution" on Lords of Dogtown, I sat through the end credits to find out who wrote the original song; T. Rex turns out to be that rare '70s rock I always avoided for no good reason

3. "Ça Pourrait Changer" - Brigitte Bardot; from the Youth in Revolt soundtrack; name me one current singer who sounds like she's having this much fun

4. "The Clap" - Bostich + Fussible; minimal techno meets Tejano accordion; where has this been all my life?

5. "Derezzed" - Daft Punk; from the Tron: Legacy soundtrack, which I thought was an Inception ripoff until I read that Hans Zimmer (of Inception) helped out, but I guess that really doesn't stop it from being a ripoff, does it?

6. "Dog Days Are Over" - Florence + The Machine; I avoided this group for the longest time but eventually surrendered to the harp

7. "Everywhere" - Fleetwood Mac; I heard this in a restaurant with my parents and when I said this song was a forgotten gem, my dad said, "I have this one;" anyway, it may be from a bygone era, but we can be sure it hasn't been forgotten

8. "Fader" - The Temper Trap; it's like Jimmy Eat World but better; it's all about that "semi-charmed kinda" chorus

9. "In Motion" - Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross; who could've guessed that Nine Inch Nails and Sigur Rós would become the stuffy soundtrack music of Oscar-type movies?

10. "Keep Looking" - Sade; I didn't see any difference between the sound on her new album this year and her old stuff from the '80s, like this song

11. "Little Green Bag" - George Baker Selection; I recently caught up with the British TV series, Coupling, which did a Reservoir Dogs reference on one episode and it reminded me of this song

12. "Me and the Moon" - The Drums; for fans of New Order

13. "Only Solutions" - Journey; from the movie, Tron, which led to The Matrix, which in turn led to Tron: Legacy, so it takes one to know one

14. "Raise Your Weapon" - Deadmau5; hauntingly beautiful, especially after it goes dubstep in the second half

15. "The Reeling (Groove Police Remix)" - Passion Pit; from the movie, Going the Distance

16. "Scott Pilgrim" - Plumtree; from the movie of the same name (actually, it's the song that inspired the books which were then adapted into a movie)

17. "Sequins" - Abe Vigoda; for fans of The Cure

18. "Too Much" - Sufjan Stevens; for fans of indie rock falsettos and electronic music that's unpredictable

19. "What's My Name?" - Rihanna & Drake; I would include this on my top ten list below if not for Drake

20. "Your Love" - Nicki Minaj; one of many pop songs this year to use an '80s sample (it uses "No More I Love You's" by Annie Lennox), the most obvious being "I Like It" by Enrique Iglesias (which uses "All Night Long" by Lionel Richie)

Ten Best New Songs I Heard from 2010

1. "Running from the Cops" - Phantogram (February 9)
2. "Blessa" - Toro y Moi (February 16)
3. "Ghost in the Graveyard (Ulrich Schnauss Remix)" - A Sunny Day in Glasgow (March 16)
4. "White Flag" - Gorillaz (March 2)
5. "Rill Rill" - Sleigh Bells (May 11)
6. "Revival" - Deerhunter (August 2)
7. "Glass Printer" - The Besnard Lakes (March 9)
8. "Stick to My Side" - Pantha du Prince (February 9)
9. "Bang Bang Bang (feat. Q-Tip & MDNR)" - Mark Ronson & the Business Intl (August 17)
10. "As We Enter" - Nas & Damian "Jr. Gong" Marley (February 23)

December Books

"When you're a young writer, you subtract the birthdates of authors from their publication dates and feel panic or hope. When you're an old writer, you observe the death dates of your favorite writers and you reflect on their works and their lives." (Gail Godwin, The New York Times Book Review, December 12, 2010)

These are some titles from last month's New York Times Book Review section (and Stephen King's year-end list from Entertainment Weekly magazine) that I might like to read at some point:

Fiction

Anathem - Neal Stephenson; "Delights in the language and etymology he has designed for his fictional world . . . and in the 7,000 years of detailed history he has given it."

The Finkler Question - "A mugging prompts a quest for self-discovery in this tale of anti-Semitism, friendship and wisdom; winner of this year's Man Booker prize."

The Imperfectionists - Tom Rachman; "Journalists, long taught to never make themselves the story, now have Tom Rachman do it for them. His alternately acute and poignant debut novel, about the dramatic follies at a Rome-based English-language newspaper, is divided into chapters dedicated to different characters, each as distinct as a newspaper section."

Major Pettigrew's Last Stand - Helen Simonson; "Set in an English village, Simonson's first novel wraps Old World sensibility around a story of multicultural conflict and romance. A retired major - the starchy widower Ernest Pettigrew - is mourning the recent death of his brother and frustrated by his materialistic son. Gradually he's drawn to Mrs. Ali, a shopkeeper of Pakistani descent who shares his love of Kipling but is regarded by village society as a permanent foreigner."

Rich Boy - Sharon Pomerantz; "The ambitious son of working-class Jewish immigrants gains entree into a world of pedigreed wealth and privilege through charm and smarts alone - but will he always be defined by where he came from? A gripping narrative that doubles as a sweeping rumination on the American class system."

Stephen King's Top Five Books of 2010

1. Infinite Jest - David Foster Wallace; "To my mind, there have been two great American novels in the past 50 years. Catch-22 is one; this is the other. For pop culture vultures like me, the central plot is fascinating: The late James O. Incandenza has created an 'entertainment' - Infinite Jest - so irresistible you can't stop watching it. Three dozen terrific characters spin out from this, my favorite being Joelle Van Dyne, a.k.a. the P.G.O.A.T.: Prettiest Girl of All Time. But it all comes back to that lethal film - because for guys like me, irresistible entertainment, lethal or not, is the holy grail."

2. Freedom - Jonathan Franzen; "If you haven't met Walter and Patty Berglund of St. Paul, it's time. Franzen chronicles their ups and down (mostly downs) with a cold mind and a warm heart. Two wedding rings go into the toilet over the course of this novel, but there's a measure of redemption for both of those who do the casting away. I finished uplifted and energized by Franzen's storytelling ability."

3. I'd Know You Anywhere - Laura Lippman; "The best suspense novel of the year. Eliza Benedict has got a nice house and a nice family, and has managed to put the trauma of her life behind her. At least until the serial killer who kidnapped and raped her - but let her live - when she was 15 gets in touch from death row and says he wants to see her."

4. Savages - Don Winslow; "Chon and Ben, the antiheroes at the center of this novel that's every bit as savage as its title, aspire to be kinder, gentler drug dealers, but when the smoke clears, one is tempted to quote Sarah Palin: 'How's that hopey-changey stuff workin' out for ya?' This is Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid on autoload. Winslow's stripped-down prose is a revelation."

5. Last Night in Twisted River - John Irving; "It starts with the accidental killing of a Native American woman (the youngster who brains her with a skillet mistakes her for a bear). Father and son take off, pursued by the relentless Constable Carl for nearly 50 years. There's a lot of Canada here, a lot of cookin', and a lot of gorgeous (and cynical) Americana. Irving's best since Garp.

Nonfiction

Encyclopedia of the Exquisite: An Anecdotal History of Elegant Delights - Jessica Kerwin Jenkins; "This gilded, graceful book is nothing less than a miniature encyclopedia of style, exploring everything from the origins of badminton to the art of origami."

How to Understand Israel in 60 Days or Less - Sarah Glidden; "Vivid dialogue and deceptively simple line drawings that are shaded with delicate watercolors, resulting in a graphic memoir of subtlety and understated wit."

The Imperial Cruise: A Secret History of Empire and War - James Bradley, "whose Flags of Our Fathers recounted how his father helped plant the American flag on Iwo Jima, here contends that William Taft's covert 1905 diplomatic mission to Japan helped set the stage for World War II in the Pacific, the Chinese Communist Revolution and the Korean War. With each port of call, Bradley assesses the effects of American race-based foreign policy calculations in Asia; the brutal counterinsurgency in the Philippines, the forced annexation of Hawaii, the betrayal of promises to protect Korea from Japanese expansionism."

Packing for Mars: The Curious Science of Life in the Void - Mary Roach; "Much more interested in the small steps for man than in the giant leaps for mankind, chronicling all of the niches and pecularities of exploring the outer reaches . . . simultaneously informative and get-strange-looks-on-the-subway hilarious."

Yours Ever: People and Their Letters - Thomas Mallon; "Intended as 'a kind of companion volume to A Book of One's Own,' Mallon's 1984 study of people and their diaries, this exploration of the art of letter-writing embraces old friends - Flaubert, Freud, the Mitfords - and plenty of unknowns."

Unconventional Christmas Movies

So many people told me today that they were glad that Christmas was behind them or that it didn't feel especially Christmasy this year. If you're like me, it was over too soon and you can never get enough. That's why it pays to know where you can go for a discreet Christmas fix without tipping off any haters who might make fun of you. Perhaps you looked at the EW poll pictured here (click to enlarge) and thought, "Love Actually can't possibly be the second most popular Christmas movie, it's not even a Christmas movie, and neither is Die Hard!" If so, you were half right. They may not be Formal Christmas movies per se, but any movie that doesn't star Santa Claus and/or include singing about snow can be an Informal Christmas movie. You can watch the latter kind of movie anytime throughout the year without fear of being judged. If you think Gremlins (1984) and Edward Scissorhands (1990) are pushing the envelope when it comes to what's considered Christmasy, check out the five highest rated theatrical releases on IMDb under the keyword "Christmas:"

1. The Godfather (1972)
2. Goodfellas (1990)
3. The Apartment (1960)
4. Full Metal Jacket (1987)
5. Annie Hall (1978)

If those don't make you feel that extra something special, you can always turn to my unconventional favorites:

1. The Family Man (2000)
2. Serendipity (2001)
3. Better Off Dead (1985)
4. Donnie Brasco (1997)
5. Batman Returns (1992)

Best and Worst Movies So Far This Decade

The following lists count movies released prior to Independence Day this year.

The Best (in order of personal significance; although I enjoyed Babies, Toy Story 3 and Winter's Bone, I wouldn't call any of them favorites; I still look forward to watching Exit Through the Gift Shop, Fish Tank, and Oceans)

1. Edge of Darkness (January 29) People who don't watch Mel Gibson movies because of his tirades need to learn to separate. If you miss all the mature, meaningful dialogue of '30s screwballs, or want more of the adult exchanges you heard in the recent Inglorious Basterds and State of Play, you owe it to yourself to watch this.

2. How to Train Your Dragon (March 26) The ONLY thing I didn't like was Gerard Butler. I was a little concerned because even though I knew Hollywood would ensure a happy ending, I wasn't sure how it was going to happen - I was THAT tense.

3. Collapse (June 15 on DVD) Because it just screened in New York and at the Toronto International Film Festival last year, I'm counting it for this year. Here are the REAL "inconvenient truths."

4. District 13: Ultimatum (February 5) I don't know if I'll go so far as to say it's better than its predecessor, but driving a car through an office building takes the purpose of parkour to a whole new level.

5. Knight and Day (June 25) People who don't watch Tom Cruise movies because of his tirades need to learn to separate. Want to see a James Bond movie turned on its ear, where the character is an actual gentleman and the calmness under pressure is shown for the insanity it really is?

The Worst (in order of offensiveness; keep in mind that I kinda liked Best Worst Movie, Human Centipede and The Wolfman; call me a masochist, but I still look forward to watching Frozen, The Last Song and Sex and the City 2)

1. A Nightmare on Elm Street (April 30) In the original, Freddy's motive was to get revenge on the parents for killing him, and I could get behind that. In this remake, he wants revenge on the kids for telling on him, and that's overkill. Wasn't it enough that he molested them in life? Anyway, it's definitely not horror. It's more like a Lifetime movie about pedophilia.

2. A Prophet (February 26) I went into this expecting Goodfellas, but what I got felt twice as long (and Goodfellas is a LONG movie) and half as interesting.

3. The Losers (April 23) Having an accent in and of itself doesn't make a villain. Being mean in and of itself isn't funny.

4. Jonah Hex (June 18) The way the first 15 minutes were edited, you'd think you were watching a trailer.

5. Diary of a Wimpy Kid (March 19) As much as I laughed at the books, I worry about them teaching kids to be sore losers. Just because the movie went against the ending in the book doesn't make the main character a better person. Also, what was up with bringing that girl character in from nowhere? She added nothing. Lastly, when the movie shouldn't have been cinematic, it was, and when it should've been, it wasn't.

Difference Between Craptastic and Cult Movies

Today on the Entertainment Weekly website, movie critic Lisa Schwarzbaum posed the question, "Craptastic or crap: How do you tell the difference?" People left comments about acquired taste (craptastic) versus offensiveness (crap) and good intentions (craptastic) versus lack of effort (crap). They compared the artistic merit and low production values of the French New Wave to the big budgets and small-minded entertainment of popcorn movies. I don't think that art and entertainment have to be mutually exclusive. I do think that both are purely subjective and both can be pure crap. All craptastic movies start off as objective crap (hammy acting and cheesy effects) but then find a willing audience (Elvira and Gibert Gottfried) - not a very large audience because that would be a cult movie, but someone somewhere sees something in the crap and they enjoy it, usually by themselves. You see, a cult movie gets shared, either at midnight screenings (The Rocky Horror Picture Show), conventions (The Big Lebowski) or as a TV staple (It's a Wonderful Life). Craptastic movies don't get shared. They flop at the box office and then become guilty pleasures. Obviously most popcorn movies don't flop but there is some overlap with craptastic movies when they do because they're such spectacular failures. Cult movies can be bad (Pink Flamingos) or good (Blue Velvet) artistically, possibly even boring, but as long as their audience is loyal and outspoken, box office totals and critics mean nothing. Craptastic movies are ALWAYS bad artistically but they're NEVER boring and their audience may be loyal but not outspoken. Now for a pop quiz: Catwoman? (craptastic, because I watched someone go for the DVD in a game of "White Elephant") Plan 9 from Outer Space? (cult, because everyones talks about it) Gigli? (craptastic, because you know Al Pacino and Christopher Walken fans watch it secretly) Showgirls? (cult, because it's got a gay following) Snakes on a Plane? (you be the judge)



My Top Five Craptastic Horror Movies (which brings up another question, since genres like action, horror, sci-fi/fantasy become craptastic when they're unintentionally funny, is it possible for movies intended as comedies to be craptastic?)

1. Troll (1986) I honestly think the little girl is scary and the dad's name is Harry Potter! The sequel has gained a cult following recently - it has three times the number of comments on IMDb.

2. Fright Night Part II (1988) A vampire on roller skates, the same Wolfman actor from The Monster Squad, a bug-eating chauffeur and I preferred it to the original.

3. The Return of Swamp Thing (1989) Heather Locklear wants to date a plant and trespassers get insect heads. That will leave scars, I don't care what anyone else says.

4. Spookies (1986) I remember the VHS case from childhood. The special effects are pretty decent considering the rest of the movie.

5. The Lair of the White Worm (1988) Hugh Grant pumps snake charming music out of speakers on his manor roof. The dream montages after each attack are so disturbing and that's all I'll say.

Unintentional Horror Movies

If you're not really into horror movies but you still want to watch something scary for Halloween, look no further. Here are the "Top Five Most Disturbing Non-Horror Movies" I've seen. This list doesn't include any of those purposefully scary children's movies like The Black Cauldron (1985) or The Brave Little Toaster (1987), fantasy movies that are creepy from beginning to end like Labyrinth (1986) or Legend (1985), or suspense/thrillers which come close but are technically not horror movies:

1. Prelude to a Kiss (1992); a romance starring Alec Baldwin and Meg Ryan; an old man walks by a wedding and asks the bride for a kiss; they switch bodies and the unfortunate groom honeymoons with an old man in a young girl's body

2. Superman III (1983); it's got an evil Superman and the woman being sucked into the living computer and being transformed into an android at the end freaked me out more than anything else as a kid

3. Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988); cartoons die, man, and one of them is a cute little shoe that never hurt anybody; then Judge Doom's fake skin comes off and he laughs in the most disturbing way; oh, and Jessica Rabbit plays Patty Cake with an old man

4. The Care Bears Movie (1985); I debated whether or not to include this because the villain has the horror vibe going throughout, so he was obviously intended to be scary; still, it's Care Bears so how could anyone have expected this?

5. The Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman (1974); it was made-for-TV and they showed it to us in elementary school; the subject lives to the age of 110 and the makeup they used for the actress' wrinkles bothers me still

Guest Movie Review

Obsessed (one and a half stars total) My wife put together the following list of convenient plot points which require far more than suspension of disbelief:

1. Main Dude announces, "I'm going to take a leak, then I'm going home." Who says that? If he hadn't conveniently mentioned he was going to the bathroom, the following scene couldn't have happened.

2. Beyonce conveniently forgets to set the alarm when she leaves the house the second time so that Crazy Girl can break in. Beyonce was so adamant about buying the alarm, would she really forget to set it?

3. Beyonce and Main Dude go to San Diego (or at least plan to) on different days. There is absolutely no reason for this except that it conveniently allows Crazy Girl to be alone with Main Dude (at least that was the plan).

4. Gay Assistant tells Crazy Girl the plan to leave on different days. Instead of just saying, "They're going to San Diego," he tells her exactly when each person is leaving, thus conveniently allowing her to create a Crazy Plan.

5. Naive Babysitter refuses to speak to Beyonce (who is supposedly) on the phone, thus conveniently allowing the baby to be kidnapped. And why doesn't the baby cry? Isn't that what they do best?

OUT TODAY ON DVD: FIGHTING

In Anticipation of This Weekend's Big Movie Release

On my 2/23/09 post, I mentioned that I did a Star Trek movie marathon a couple Thanksgivings ago. Previous to that, I had never seen a single Star Trek movie and only a handful of TV episodes. When I heard that the 11th movie was going into production, I decided I should what all the fuss was about. To tell the truth, I had no idea there were already 10 movies until I started seeing press on the Heroes actor playing a young Spock. I didn't even know there were multiple series after The Next Generation, much less how many. I've always been more of a Star Wars kinda guy, and even then I only like the original trilogy in their theatrical versions. As a kid, I couldn't buy that all Star Trek's alien races were humanoids capable of speaking English. I did the aforementioned movie marathon because I figured that nothing could be worse than Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. I quickly realized that the rival franchises have more differences than similarities. I'm sorry if you disliked my best to worst "Marvel Movies" post the other day, because this is basically the same thing, except that the list is divided in the middle.

Movies with creator Gene Roddenberry as executive consultant, from best to worst:
1. Star Trek III: The Search for Spock (1984) special effects finally catch up with Star Wars; pink uniforms; Planet Vulcan; police tape on Spock's door?
2. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (1986) Nimoy directs; preachy; profanity for the first time; San Francisco in the '80s; the East Indian crew member made me realize there's not been a Native American, Middle Eastern, or Polynesian character(?)
3. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989) Shatner directs; Uhura is an old lady; Jerry Goldsmith finally returns after doing the soundtrack to the first movie
4. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982) the most personal because of Kirk's son and Spock's death; main cast has all gained weight; Kirstie Alley is not an emotionless Vulcan, she just acts angry; Khan's earbug almost makes up for his fake chest and the neon lighting
5. Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979) obviously for insiders, it's like a bloated TV episode; special effects look like a computer screen saver, but it's got the best soundtrack of the entire series; the bald chick is punk rock and sexy

Movies after the death of creator Gene Roddenberry, from best to worst:
1. Star Trek: Insurrection (1998) the best dialogue; romance; mostly outdoors; basic rescue mission; obvious good and bad guys
2. Star Trek: First Contact (1996) Data is the star; Jerry Goldsmith returns once more for the soundtrack; I just realized Wil Wheaton isn't in the movies; why is that?
3. Star Trek: Generations (1994) the best blend of action and comedy; Kirk's death and Sulu's daughter
4. Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country (1991) a murder mystery; turtlenecks; Blue Man Group-looking monsters in the prison sequence; Christian Slater and Kim Cattrall; the soundtracks sounds like a Danny Elfman ripoff; the opening credits look like a TV show's; the bridge looks like ESPN Sportscenter
5. Star Trek: Nemesis (2002) dune buggy chase; Data's death and Picard's clone; good scary soundtrack

Putting My Money Where My Mouth Is?

"Wonder if Bram Stoker ever suspected, back in 1897, that his tale of an Eastern European nobleman turned undead menace would continue to enthrall readers more than a century later? . . . It's a complicated story; the pacing is not what modern audiences are used to, there are plot holes and problems, and so many of the film, book, and comic versions of Dracula people have created in the past - even the 'serious' ones - have been edited down for convenience's sake . . . As for errors in science, for instance, I might argue that they're not so much errors as indicators that the book is not set in the real late 19th century but in a fictionalized one." (Leah Moore, daughter of Watchmen writer Alan Moore, and John Reppion, writers of the upcoming Complete Dracula comic adaptation, Comic Shop News, February 11, 2009)

Who's your favorite fictional character? It could be anyone or anything from books, movies, TV, video games, or even your imaginary friend. I have yet to consider who my favorite of all time is, but after doing a little inventory of my comic book collection, I can definitely say which characters are featured the most in the issues that I own. They say that numbers don't lie, and for all my talk of "I don't really like that character," I was surprised to learn that my purchases, when put together from over the years, tell a different story. Not including teams (like Fantastic Four or the X-Men), here are my top five comic book characters by how many issues I own with them:

1. Spider-Man - I have over seven years' worth of issues featuring him and I've long known he was my favorite comic book character; I was raised on the '60s quasi-stop motion animated series and the '70s forgotten live action series with the blonde Peter Parker and disco soundtrack; Spider-Man's my favorite because he could be anybody underneath that mask, plus his superpowers are perfect for his urban setting (sticking to walls and webslinging)

2. Batgirl - yes, even more than Batman; the character was actually invented just for the '60s campy TV series and multiple women have been Batgirl/Batwoman in the comics; the best-known is Barbara Gordon, niece of Commissioner Gordon, who was shot and paralyzed by the Joker; now she's Oracle, genius leader of the Birds of Prey but confined to a wheelchair; if you didn't know, Batman died this year in the comics and there's a big event going on called Battle For the Cowl, which will decide who replaces Batman; I think they should miraculously cure Barbara and have her take over as Gotham City's primary protector; either that, or have her mind-meld or switch bodies with the most recent Batgirl, Cassandra Cain, who is a better fighter than Batman but not as smart

3. Robin/Spoiler - there was a girl that actually did take over the mantle of Robin for a while, and I pretty much only own issues of Robin that feature her; she used to be the current Robin's girlfriend but she died; then they brought her back and I'm kind of bitter about the whole stunt but it leads into a great San Diego Comic-Con story; the first year I went, I attended a panel talking about all the Bat-books; I caught writer Judd Winnick on his way out, asked him what the future for the girl Robin would be, and he blew me off by saying, "it's not my book" and walked away

4. Superman - I've always told people I can't get into Superman, but then, here he is, number four on my top five list; how is this possible? it has nothing to do with the character, I'll tell you that much; I think just because he's such a huge character (the first superhero and all), he gets the best talent to write and draw him, and such is the case for the issues that I own: John Byrne, Geoff Johns and Grant Morrison; I still don't like that he's an alien and a farmboy (if such a thing still exists) and practically a god, and yet I own over two years' worth of comic books with him

5. Courtney Crumrin - I love the noseless little goth sorceress-in-training, but I think I would love any character that creator Ted Naifeh came up with

There are other characters that I have in multiple trade paperback collections: Archie, the Dead Boy Detectives from Sandman, the Goon, Judge Dredd, Swamp Thing, and Zatanna. There are also guest stars and villains that I'm a sucker for (see my 12/3/08 post), but I don't own any individual issues starring them: Doctor Doom, Electro, Havok, Hawkeye, Magneto, Polaris, Raven, and the Riddler.

Precursor to the Modern Slasher Film

"Ten little Soldier boys went out to dine;
One choked his little self and then there were nine.
Nine little Soldier boys sat up very late;
One overslept himself and then there were eight.
Eight little Soldier boys traveling in Devon;
One said he'd stay there and then there were seven.
Seven little Soldier boys chopping up sticks;
One chopped himself in halves and then there were six.
Six little Soldier boys playing with a hive;
A bumblebee stung one and then there were five.
Five little Soldier boys going in for law;
One got into Chancery and then there were four.
Four little Soldier boys going out to sea;
A red herring swallowed one and then there were three.
Three little Soldier boys walking in the zoo;
A big bear hugged one and then there were two.
Two little Soldier boys playing with a gun;
One shot the other and then there was One.
One little Soldier boy left all alone;
He went out and hanged himself and then there were none."

And Then There Were None (three and a half stars total) There is a character in Friday the 13th (the original) that is named after Agatha Christie and her all-time best-selling mystery novel, And Then There Were None (1940; adapted 13 times as a movie or on TV). The first big screen adaptation (1945) just happened to be the next DVD on my online rental queue, so it was the first movie I saw after watching the new remake of Friday the 13th. It's a proto-slasher film because it features a multitude of characters of different stereotypes, all stranded in an exotic location (a desert island as opposed to a campground in the woods), who die one at a time by various, creative means. The killer is always present (either lurking unseen or unrevealed till the end) and only strikes when someone leaves the group and goes off alone. There's even a modus operandi or calling card, as the killer sets up each death to match the ones in the above poem, Ten Little Indians. In the book, everyone dies but they spared two characters in the movie for that "Hollywood ending." I became really engrossed in the intricate plot, the new surprise ending seems preferable to the original, and the most annoying character was the first to die, so all in all, a highly recommended movie (if you don't mind black and white). Here are some newer, color, "killer" movies (and B-movies that I've been thinking about lately):

1. Black Christmas (1974) technically, the first suburban slasher film (released the same year as the "rural slasher" Texas Chainsaw Massacre and four years before the original Halloween), directed by the guy that did A Christmas Story; and featuring the scariest eye through the peephole reference to And Then There Were None

2. April Fool's Day (1986) one of the best slasher films I've seen, which follows And There Were None's plot pretty closely

3. Dr. Otto and the Riddle of The Gloom Beam (1986) not a slasher film, but still dark comedy about a guy from a bad childhood who wants to kill everyone; who says Jim Varney only makes Ernest movies?

4. Summer School (1987) not a slasher movie either, but has a great homage to '80s gore makeup artists à la Friday the 13th

5. Cry_Wolf (2005) the best recent slasher movie I've seen, with only two kills and a PG-13 rating

OUT TODAY ON DVD: CHOKE & HOW TO LOSE FRIENDS & ALIENATE PEOPLE

My Movie Pitches

"Moviegoing is exactly what separates the audience from the Academy. You, dear ordinary cinephile, go to a theater and sit in a big room with a big screen on which, you hope, big things will happen. Those things are called movies. But the Academy balloters, by and large, aren't true moviegoers; the movies come to them, on DVD screeners. When the members, many of whom are on the set for 12 or 14 hours a day, do their Oscar homework, they want a retreat from the pyrotechnics they've been creating. They want dramas that are important yet intimate, stressing method and message. Those things are called TV shows." (Richard Corliss, Time, February 23, 2009)

While on the subject of the Academy, AMC Theatres are doing a "Best Picture Showcase" for 2009 Oscar nominees. Select locations will screen five nominated films and throw in a large popcorn and unlimited drink refills for only $30. I've got my ticket for this Saturday, but I may not make it to every movie. No matter what, expect some artsy-fartsy reviews next week from me next week. Back to the quote now, I found it interesting to consider that everyone goes to the movies to escape, whether that's little movies with big ideas for the industry insiders, or big movies with little ideas for the rest of us. I'm mostly kidding, but there is some truth there. It got me thinking about what kind of movie I would want to see, if I could see anything imaginable right this moment - no work on my part, other than to sit and enjoy the final product of the idea in my head. If you could magically create your own movie, with whatever budget, director, setting, stars, and storyline you wanted, what would your movie be? I'll tell you five of mine, but before you laugh all the way to the bank because you stole my priceless ideas, I just want to say that it's okay. Anyone who has the connections to get these movies made should do so, because I'd really like to see them, but without any legwork or phone calls of my own. I'm not interested in writing scripts for any the following either:

1. 28 Days Later... (2002) meets Braveheart (1995) - a Medieval zombie plague just seems like a natural fit when you consider that Braveheart's William Wallace (1270-1305) lived around the same time as the Black Death (1340s); only my movie would be entirely classical languages, like Apocalypto (honestly, do you really need to understand what Celts are saying when they're chopping the undead up into pieces?)

2. Dracula (1897) meets Glory (1989) - I've long had a "weird West" idea about gold diggers making a stop in an old fronteir town full of vampires (I know, it's been done to death; pun intended), but then I realized that the Bram Stoker book was originally published not too long after the American Civil War (1861-1865), and actually just a year after the Plessy v. Ferguson (1896) "separate but equal" court case; vampires in the movies haven't been taken seriously since Blackula (1972), but my movie could avenge all that with the tragic romance of an ancient Egyptian (black) vampire who comes to the New World and finds his long-lost bride in the Old South

3. Conan (1932) meets Encino Man (1992) - my fascination with alternative histories for pop culture characters goes back to my first childhood idea for a movie; I imagined a barbarian warrior named Carnaval (fifteen years before I learned Portuguese in Brazil) who wore a tall hat made of wooly mammoth fur with a flat top and bones protruding from the sides like the bolts in Frankenstein's neck; he also had two long fangs like a saber-toothed tiger; he was frozen in ice and then thawed in the present day to became a sort of rogue superhero, hiding in city sewers like TV's Beauty and the Beast (1987) or the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1984) but coming out at night to battle evildoers

4. McDonaldland: The Movie - my other childhood dream for a movie involved Ronald McDonald, Grimace, Hamburglar, Birdie the Early Bird, and the Fry Guys in a land with "thick shake volcanoes, apple pie trees and the Filet-O-Fish Lake" (Wikipedia); evidently there was a "1999 McDonaldland VHS entitled Have Time, Will Travel" that you probably bought with a Happy Meal but it must not have sold well enough to warrant a feature-length big screen adaptation

5. With the recent success of Into the Wild (2007) and Wendy and Lucy (2008), my latest idea for a movie (while a rip-off) is about a Brown or Dartmouth grad who wanted to go into advertising, but then puts a twist on the old summer hike across Europe by walking home to California, completely off the grid and avoiding any form of advertising along the way; think Homeward Bound (1993) meets Sweet November (2001), but without talking animals or romance (sound boring enough?)

Five U.S. Comic Conventions in 2009

This year's dates in chronological order and claims to fame:

Megacon (Orlando, February 27-March 1) "the southeast's largest comic book, science fiction/fantasy, anime, gaming, toys, and multi-media event"

Comic-Con International (San Diego, July 23-26) "the home of the largest comic book and popular arts convention in the world"

Wizard World Chicago (August 6-9), as in Wizard magazine

Dragon*Con (September 4-7) "the world's largest fantasy/SF convention, held annually in Atlanta, GA, on Labor Day weekend"

Baltimore Comic-Con (October 10-11) this year is the 10th annual

Five U.S. Music Festivals in 2009

This year's dates in chronological order with last year's headliners:

Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival (California, April 17-19) Jack Johnson, Portishead

Bonnaroo Music and Arts Festival (Tennessee, June 11-14) Metallica, Pearl Jam

Summerfest (Wisconsin, June 27) Stevie Wonder, Rush

Lollapalooza (Illinois, August 7-9) Nine Inch Nails, Radiohead

Bumbershoot (Washington, September 5-7) Beck, Stone Temple Pilots

Also of note, Austin, Texas has two different festivals, City Limits (October 2-4) and SXSW (March 18-22), the latter being a music and film hybrid

OUT TODAY ON DVD: THE ROCKER & ROCKNROLLA

Five U.S. Film Festivals in 2009

This year's dates in chronological order with past premieres:

29th Annual Sundance Film Festival (Utah, January 15-25) Little Miss Sunshine, March of the Penguins

19th Annual Cinequest Film Festival (California, February 25-March 8) Thank You For Smoking

35th Annual Seattle International Film Festival (Washington, May 21-June 14) Banlieue 13, Monster House

36th Annual Telluride Film Festival (Colorado, September 4-7) Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, El Mariachi

8th Annual Tribeca Film Festival (New York, November 10-14) About a Boy, Over the Hedge

Superhero Switcheroos

In celebration of Halloween this week, I present you with superheroes in drag. JUST KIDDING - no guys dressed as Wonder Woman here. What you will see are reversals of the icons from how you're used to seeing them. I find it interesting to ask: is there anything intrinsic to the character of Superman that says he has to be a man? Wouldn't a Kansas farmgirl move out to the big city just as quickly and be as concerned, if not more, for the welfare of others? DC Comics currently has a whole world (Earth-11) where the genders of every hero and heroine are switched, and that's what the cover pictured below is all about. WARNING: Serious nerd discussion to follow.

1. The Justice League
Superman's cousin Supergirl has been around for decades, long before the comic you see here, but the difference is that Supergirl's not a literal translation of Superman across gender lines. The only Superwoman that wasn't merely a Lois Lane with powers until recently was in Adventures of Superman 349 (July 1980), which also featured Wonder Warrior (a male counterpart of Wonder Woman) and Black Condor (a male counterpart of Black Canary). Out of the SIX female versions of Batman (girlfriends, daughters, and impersonators) none have been an exact Bruce Wayne counterpart. At the time of his creation, the concept of a millionaire playboy by day and hardened, violent vigilante by night just wouldn't have worked for a tragic heiress. And as icky as a female Robin tagging along with Batman may seem, (it's no ickier than some of the accusations against a male Robin), I myself have always seen the character more as a girl. The Amazon race of Wonder Woman makes it a little hard to switch over, but there's a Marvel character named Wonder Man that bears no similarity. There's the daughter of a Green Lantern named Jade, which is good because I always thought the uniform looked pretty femmy. There's Catwoman and Catman, Hawkman and Hawkgirl, Captain Marvel, and his sister Mary Marvel. The Teen Titans recently recruited Miss Martian (a female counterpart to the Martian Manhunter) and Zatara (a male counterpart to Zatanna). As with Batman, there have been six gender bender takes on...

2. Spider-Man, but "the longest-running superhero book with a lead female character ever published" by Marvel Comics belongs to Spider-Girl, the future daughter of Peter Parker. She has her own rogues gallery with twists on her father's enemies like the Goblin Queen, Lady Octopus, and Magneta. Whereas one version of Batgirl was created specifically with the campy, '60s TV show, a version of Spider-Woman had her very own animated series in 1979.

3. Wolverine recently gained a female counterpart with his mistaken clone, X-23, but possibly before that with Lady Deathstrike, depending on how close you want to get with powers and identity. The only thing even traditionally male is the lone hunter side of the character, but I think the savageness works well either way. Oh, I almost forgot, Wolverine has a daughter in an alternate future called Wild Thing. A-Next, an alternate universe version of the...

4. Avengers, includes members like American Dream (a female analogue of Captain America) and Thena (daughter of Thor). This comic is very different from the Next Avengers: Heroes of Tomorrow direct-to-DVD animated film, wherein Torunn is the daughter of Thor AND the only female member of the team. Going back to the regular comics, the difference between the Hulk and his cousin She-Hulk is that the latter can (sometimes) change back and forth at will. Who knows if Dr. Banner would choose to stay human if he could have his own mind in the Hulk's body? The overall appearance of the female version is a stark contrast to the monstrous, "Jekyll and Hyde" character, meaning that She-Hulk is perhaps more than just a counterpart. Moving on, Hawkeye is both father in the original Avengers and daughter in the Young Avengers. The female Stature is patterned after the Ant-Man/Giant-Man characters. In the "all ages" Marvel Adventures line, Giant-Girl is Janet van Dyne (the Wasp in regular continuity). Lastly, two or three different women have temporarily assumed the mantle of Captain Britain, yet not one has worn the armor of the...

5. Debatable and/or Nonexistent
Iron Man (pictured at left as merely a dream along with all the other Marvel variations). DC's biggest missing switcheroo would be Aquaman. The Flash has a female counterpart in Tangent Comics (December 1999), along with a female Joker, but their costumes are entirely unrelated to the originals. Plastic Man and the Elongated Man have a big screen adaptation in The Incredibles' Elastigirl, who was actually named after Elasti-Girl of the Doom Patrol. It's a stretch (pun intended), but Animal Man and Vixen could be considered redundant characters with different genders. Justice League members which I didn't mention above include Dr. Fate (but I swear I've seen a girl in the gold helmet) and The Question (currently Renee Montoya, who took over after Charles "Vic" Sage passed away). One might argue that the cartoon Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends' Firestar is a female counterpart to the Fantastic Four's Human Torch and that leads me to my closing thought. The Fantastic Four is only one of many superhero teams (the Legion of Superheroes, Marvel Knights, Teen Titans, and the X-Men) without any gender switcheroos. The list below includes my suggestions for your imagination:

The Fantastic Four
1. Mrs. Fantastic - similar to Elastigirl, as mentioned above
2. Invisible Man - not the H.G. Wells character, but spouse to the above
3. Human Torchette - mentioned above
4. She-Thing - I lied, there's Sharon Ventura and a Skrull version
Vertigo
5. Swamp She-Thing - why aren't there more female monsters?
DCU
6. Green Arrowette - origin of a playboy stranded on an island might be tricky
7. Madame Strange - Adam Strange in a skirt
Marvel Knights
8. Punisheress - worth a laugh
9. Ghost Rider Girl - Jenny Blaze
10. Braniac/Red Tornado/Vision - never mind, there's the Avengers' Jocasta
Teen Titans
11. Beast Girl - never mind, there's the Avengers' Tigra and X-Factor's Wolfsbane
12. Cyborgette - like the Bionic Woman, but with more exposed metal
13. Raven - would probably come off like Cloak from Cloak & Dagger
14. Starfire - a man that wants to walk around naked (wait, that's every guy)
Mutants
15. Scarlet Warlock - son of Magneta?
16. Profesora X - South American founder of the School for Gifted Youngsters
Villains
17. Dr. Dooma - Queen of Latverio
18. Red Skullette - Nazi arch-enemy of Captain America
19. Lexie Luthor - bald, female business tycoon(?)
Jack Kirby's Fourth World
20. Ms. Miracle - Miss Apokolips pageant escapee

Skate (Or Die Alongside the Hula Hoop)

From 8th through at least 11th grade, I probably skated everyday but Sunday. Most people think of skateboarding when they hear the word "skated," but I'm talking about in-line skating, or Rollerblade® (just as people say"JELL-O" for any brand of gelatin dessert). It was an even bigger fad in the '90s than skateboarding was in the '80s because you have to admit that old people never rushed out to buy boards quite like they did wheels in a row. (Now everyone skates from Tony Hawk on Xbox to Lupe Fiasco on Mtv.) The Inline magazine I used to get was always half-filled with pictures of over-the-hill, spandex-wearing racers. I once heard that there were 20 million "bladers" (ew, I hated that word) when I was most into it, probably around '94 or '95. That one number has stayed at the forefront of my mind through all these years and is my baseline I use for calculating how "big" something is. For example, total U.S. population is around 300 million and it turns out the peak for the in-line skating fad was actually 32 million in '98. Therefore, a fad in my mind is somewhere around a tenth of a given country's population (or in this case, the total population of Canada). That's what I consider when I look at box office totals, building capacities, Nielsen TV ratings, and platinum records. The town where I got into skating had a population of around 30,000, so that's a tenth of what it would take to make a fad. Here are some current fads I checked up on:

1. Around 30 million watch American Idol, which is similar to the in-line skating peak.

2. Over 40 million copies of The Da Vinci Code have been sold (conspiracy theories over skating),

3. and over 150 million iPods have been sold also, (think of that as half the U.S. population).

4. I still want to know how many active blog sites there are,

5. and how many people regularly do Sudoku puzzles?

Last night, I was looking through my old skating magazines that I keep in "the box" (see my 9/11/08 post), and I made some surprising discoveries. The snowy picture above was taken just around the corner from where I lived (seriously less than a block away) and at the same time that the magazine it appeared in was released. That's probably why I kept that particular issue but ironically, I never saw anyone skating in that neighborhood the whole time I lived there. Then I moved to San Diego and lo and behold, most of the pictures in another magazine (from before I moved but that's not why I moved here specifically) are credited as being taken there or nearby: Chula Vista, East County, and Rancho Bernardo. The B&W picture above was taken at Point Loma High, just blocks from where I now live and the irony continues, I have never seen anyone with Rollerblades sliding down a handrail as long as I've lived in San Diego. How have I (at least for the last five years) lived this close to the sweetest skate spots in the country (or at least so close to the pros featured in magazines) and never known about it till now? Anyway, I just want to wrap this up now by saying that the No Fear/extreme sports fad kinda passed a decade ago, but for a while it was everywhere. I include below not one, but two of the Mead folders I keep in "the box" to store my memories. It appears that even "Trapper Keeper" cashed in on the fad when creating their "No Rules!" line:

My Favorite Teen Movies

In honor of Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, released earlier this month and Sex Drive, released last week (whereas I saw a sneak preview back in July at Comic-Con and it's totally better than American Pie), I'm taking another look at the movies that got me through the hard times also known as adolescence, and which still entertain me into my thirtysomethings.

1. Airborne (1993) replaced E.T. as my all time favorite movie until recently when I switched back. Originally, this post included the first movie review I ever wrote, which was of this movie, from back when I came up with my "Five Star Rating Movie Review System." Instead, I'm going to share the story of the best date I ever went on (which is more relevant to this teen romance and comedy genre anyway). In college, where I met my wife, there was a theater in the union building. One night she planned everything and asked me to meet her there. I showed up, (late even! but that was just because I was) expecting to go bowling or study. Turns out my wife had rented the entire theater for a private screening of Airborne, complete with a plaque on the door calling the event "(my wife's maiden name's) film festival." Because it was around Halloween, she threw in a Spider-Man trick-or-treat pail filled with my favorite kinds of candy and some popcorn too, I think. If your favorite movie on the big screen (ten years after its theatrical release) isn't love, I don't know what is.

2. Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986) For years I only knew the edited for TV version which I recorded. When I finally bought the DVD (not the one in stores now; I have the previous version with a rare John Hughes director's commentary), I was shocked at how many lines I had memorized wrong. And I had the entire movie memorized (never kid yourself that networks just cut scenes; they work wonders with dialogue that are completely unnoticeable). I watched it almost everyday in anticipation of a family vacation through Chicago. I wanted to be familiar with every skyscraper and museum hallway in the movie so I would recognize them in person.

3. Better Off Dead (1985) Believe it or not, my high school debate teacher had to introduce me to this movie. She also introduced me to most of the '80s music I know now. The only thing I knew about John Cusack in 1995 was The Journey of Natty Gann, which ironically came out the same year as Better Off Dead. That means that I was over ten years behind for Sixteen Candles (1984) and five years for Say Anything (1989). I recently realized that the girl who dumps John Cusack's character is the first girl to die in the original Nightmare on Elm Street (1984).

4. Clueless (1995) started my first teen celebrity obsession (not counting The Cutting Edge's adult Moira Kelly or The Wonder Years' no-name guest star, Julie Condra, who played the Madeline character). My mom would have never allowed a bikini model on my bedroom wall, but I managed to find a poster size head shot of Alicia Silverstone which I hung on my closet door. To this day, whenever I hear an indie rock song, I think of the line where her character disses her half brother's "college radio" music (Paul Rudd is the funniest). My favorite scenes are with Breckin Meyer's skater dude in debate class.

5. Some Kind of Wonderful (1987) is the second John Hughes movie on this list, but it's not The Breakfast Club (1984) because I never really watched that all the way through until I was out of high school. I just knew and loved the "Don't You (Forget About Me" Simple Minds theme song. This one's as serious to me as Ferris Bueller's Day Off is funny, but that's not to say that there aren't any laugh out loud lines. Add She's Having a Baby (1988 but NOT a teen comedy) and you have my top three Hughes movies. Other favorites that I've seen in my twenties are Drive Me Crazy (1999), Mean Girls and Napoleon Dynamite (both 2004).

Alternates: The Lost Boys (1987; where seemingly young vampires live in eternal adolescence unfettered by grown-up things like jobs, marriage, and mortgages - they live in a cave) and Teen Wolf (1985; where werewolves are one's parents and ancestors - the powers of the "curse" teach the story's moral about adult responsibility) displays teen angst and anxiety better than any of the comedies above.

TGIF="Thank Goodness It's Funny" TV

I once tried to tell a guy at church that I didn't know there was to be a third Pirates of the Caribbean until the end credits of the second one. Almost ignoring my whole point, he asked "was it funny?" He continued, "the only thing I want to know about movies anymore is if they're funny." What a rating system. By that same standard, nearly every current prime time television series would be lost (no pun intended) on him. It's brilliant! I have to say he'd be better off for it. I don't watch TV. Don't get me wrong, we own a TV, but it's not HD, and no cable either. With bunny ears, we can get ABC and CBS, but that's only until the big switch. Why do I hate TV, you ask? I don't, really. We actually got a free month of cable back when we moved to San Diego and out of all those channels, I found myself only watching Seinfeld reruns that I could get without cable. Hmmm, Lost versus Seinfeld. What's the difference between Lost and Seinfeld? Why, one's funny, that's what. From what I can tell and correct me if I'm wrong, most of the shows on primetime are not funny and like my friend, I only want funny if there's commercials involved. At the theater I can do drama. On DVD I can do drama, because I can do entire season marathons. But on TV, no drama. Reality TV is not funny to me. Untalented performers on contest shows are not funny to me. Sports aren't funny to anyone, are they? Is the problem just me? Then I talked to a guy at work. He loves TV dramas. His favorites are Dexter (dark funny), House (mean funny) and Smallville (I've only seen the Aquaman and The Flash episodes, which were hokey funny; are the Green Arrow and Supergirl episodes funny too?). Anyway, I told him I had just watched the season one finale of The Big Bang Theory (geeky funny) on DVD and it made me excited for the first episode of the season two. He replied by spoiling the plot of that first episode (which premiered weeks ago) and followed up by noting that that's the only show he currently "follows." We then tried to think back to what the last shows that we "followed" were. What was the last show YOU watched every week, not counting reruns, downloads, or DVDs?

Here are the last five TV shows that I followed as they premiered:
1. 30 Rock (the funniest show since 2006) I can't remember if I saw the first episode as a free download on iTunes or if our NBC was still working and I made time for it because I wanted to see Alec Baldwin do a sitcom, or d) none of the above. I do remember Entertainment Weekly magazine made a big deal when it first came out. Since then, we've watched each episode as it came up on NBC's website. Other shows that I've downloaded the first episode for free from iTunes are Lost (not funny), Weeds (very funny, but I don't think I've seen all the DVDs available), The Starter Wife (not funny enough to seek out any other episodes), and Burn Notice (doesn't look funny, but that's not why I haven't played it yet).

2. Spin City (1996 and funny to me) Notice the ten year difference between this and the show above. The reason for that is mostly that I was out of the country from 1998-2000 and I didn't watch any TV during that time. When I returned, I figured I had gone two years without it, so why not two more, or four, or 40? As you can see, I started up again, but I don't think I'll ever fully comprehend That '70s Show, or Dawson's Creek, or Will & Grace, which all came out while I was gone. I didn't see Friends end or the Seinfeld series finale either (funny?), but that's ok because I was only familiar with those shows from reruns in the first place.

3. X-Files (1993 sorry, not funny) I didn't stick around for all the seasons, but I definitely followed the first few. Five years prior to this I had followed Unsolved Mysteries because it was mostly about the supernatural in the beginning. As it gave way to real world crimes, I lost interest, so X-Files offered a new way to fill the void. I can't remember how long I stayed with it or why I stopped. Some Saturday morning cartoons (very serious) that I may have followed but I can't remember were Talespin (1990), Darkwing Duck (1991), Batman: The Animated Series and X-Men (both 1992).

4. Saturday Morning Videos (1990) was an extension of NBC's Friday Night Videos (1983-2002) where I watched the latest from Marky Mark and Roxette (funny) without Mtv. That's where I first saw Depeche Mode and got into the KLF. NBC also debuted The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (1990) and Blossom (1991) around this same time (both stupid funny), but I'm not sure I watched those every week.

5. Before that, it was something on Fox (always good for a laugh): either The Simpsons (1989), In Living Color (1990), or Married... with Children (1987), which I didn't start until after the Jefferson character. After Disney's original Sunday night movies stopped, my mom started watching Life Goes On (1989 not funny), which my brothers and I couldn't have cared less about, but the alternative was one of the worst shows of all time, America's Most Wanted (1988 and NOT funny), unless of course we snuck into our bedroom and watched Fox without our parents realizing what we were watching.

The last five shows I'm caught up on thanks to the advent of DVD:
1. The Big Bang Theory (2007) funny
2. Ergo Proxy (2006; 2007 in English) alas, not funny
3. My Name is Earl (2005) funny
4. Teen Titans (2003) kinda funny
5. Cowboy Bebop (1998; 2001 in English) funny in a weird way

The five years that I followed ABC's Friday prime time block (which officially started calling itself "TGIF" on October 13, 1992):

1. Max Headroom (1987-88) was America's turn with a British movie concept, also seen in Back to the Future Part II. It played after Full House and Mr. Belvedere and replaced Sidekicks (Chuck Norris Karate Kid ripoff) and Sledge Hammer! (Dirty Harry meets Get Smart) from the year before. My wife's favorite show of all time, Perfect Strangers, still aired on Wednesdays at this point.

2. Perfect Strangers, Full House, Mr. Belvedere, and Just the Ten of Us (1988-89) was the inaugural sequence and the whole lineup had hosts, originally just the Balki and Larry characters from Perfect Strangers. One by one, each show would be cancelled or moved until none were left for the fall of 1992, but by then I was gone too.

3. Mr. Belvedere was the first to go, replaced by Family Matters (1989-90). Starting this season, characters from the other shows hosted and as mentioned above, the name and logo appeared.

4. Just the Ten of Us was replaced by Going Places (1990-91). I don't remember the latter at all, which may be evidence that I was already slipping away from "TGIF." Apparently it starred Heather Locklear and Alan Ruck, the guy who played Cameron on Ferris Bueller's Day Off (the movie, not the show; yes, there was a TV version; no, it wasn't any good and in no way could compete with Parker Lewis Can't Lose, my favorite show of all time; in case you really didn't know, they made Ferris Bueller blonde!)

5. I actually liked Step by Step (a Brady Bunch for the '90s with Suzanne Somers) and Look Who's Talking ripoff, Baby Talk (1991-92) better than Full House and Going Places, which they replaced. My thing with Full House is that they kept added rooms and families as if the widower and his daughters weren't enough, and in the end it crumbled like the Roman empire. Perfect Strangers was the only show left from the starting lineup in 1991. I could say that Dinosaurs moving from Wednesdays was what killed "TGIF" for me in the fall of 1992, but that annoying, stupid show was just the straw that broke the camel's half-missing back. I had already followed Full House to Tuesdays with Home Improvement, Roseanne, and Coach the year before, so that just became my new TV night. Even though Dinosaurs lasted a single season on Fridays, Boy Meets World and Hangin' with Mr. Cooper made sure that I stayed away. I'll admit I did take a peek another four years later, but Sabrina, the Teenage Witch and Clueless (a worse movie remake than Ferris Bueller) are where I draw the generation gap between Gen-X and Generation Why.

Betcha Didn't Know

My favorite four-letter F-word is "free," followed by "food." This last weekend we went to Disneyland for free for the second time since moving to San Diego four years ago. Last time was made possible by the hotel that my wife worked for and this time was through her "mommy blogger" connections. We weren't sure how our one and a half year old would handle it. What's more, we had actually decided before marriage not to take our kids to any expensive tourist attractions until after the age of eight. Because it was free though, we made an exception and I think our toddler man did just fine, much better than expected. I even learned some things by checking out baby-friendlier areas where I would have otherwise not gone. I'm going to list some of those for you along with some factoids I got from a souvenir book we picked up the time before last for the 50th anniversary celebration.

1. Perhaps you already knew there's a petting zoo at Disneyland (I didn't), but I betcha didn't know there used to be a cow there called Mickey Moo with a black mark on its side in the shape of Mickey Mouse's head. This is significant to all the "Hidden Mickey" hunters out there, people who actually frequent the parks enough to need a distraction from all the obvious distractions. These hunters look at the architecture, landscaping, sculptures, and sidewalks for things in the shape of Mickey's head or body that the builders and/or designers intentionally or unintentionally included.

2. Perhaps you already knew that Tomorrowland was built according to predictions of how the super-futuristic year of 1986 was supposed to be, but I betcha didn't know why 1986 is specifically significant. Well, that was the year of the return of Halley's Comet. It's significant to me because most of Tomorrowland reminds me of Back to the Future movie series, and before they put in the Space Mountain roller coaster, there used to a flying saucers ride, where the bumper car-like vehicles you rode actually hovered a few inches off the ground, just the hoverboards in Back to the Future Part II.

3. Perhaps you already realized that the Big Thunder Mountain Railroad ride is decorated to look like Bryce Canyon National Park, but I betcha didn't know there a was another train ride in the same spot before the current roller coaster was built, and before that there were national park-like trails for horseback riding. Now the only thing national park-like is the Grand Californian Hotel, which has beautiful, charming woodwork but rooms start at $349 a night.

4. Perhaps you've been going to Disneyland since it opened in 1958, but I betcha don't know exactly, or can't remember which was the first of the thrill rides. It was the Matterhorn, which is unique to Disneyland because it's never been replicated at the other parks around the world like most of the other rides. When I was a kid, it was the ride I was most excited for, having seen a picture of a scary troll from it (I was into fantasy creatures of all kinds). Now I can say it's the most uncomfortable ride at Disneyland, not because of the length of the line or the size of the seats, but because the herky jerky ride itself almost bruises you. And the troll? You only get a split second glance, so it's better to stick with the picture in the brochure.

5. Perhaps you already realized that the Haunted Mansion ride goes underneath the Disneyland Railroad, but I betcha didn't know that before the Haunted Mansion and Pirates of the Caribbean were built (long before their respective movies - I hope kids learn that), there was an area of the park called Holidayland for company picnics and family reunions. It "featured its own admission gate, a baseball diamond, and accomodations for volleyball, horseshoes, shuffleboard, and square dancing" (from Disneyland: Then, Now, and Forever, Gordon & O'Day, 2005). Can you imagine something like that now?

My Favorite Comic Book Covers and Creators

1. The Sensational Spider-Man 23 wraparound (April 2006) - Angel Medina; the best Spider-Man since Erik Larsen's (see #5); don't even try asking me about the recent artists on "Brand New Day" or Ultimate Spider-Man

2. Batman: Gotham Knights 59 (January 2005) - Jae Lee; I used to trace Hellshock covers in my high school art class, but then I kind of forgot about Jae until I saw this cover (the best serious take on Mr. Freeze, without making him huge or quasi-mecha); I used to think Jae was Jim Lee's brother

3. Identity Crisis 4 (November 2004) - Michael Turner, who passed away this year; most fanboys would probably include him somewhere on their top three list of comic cover artists; I just like the overall design of this cover; it could have been drawn by anyone (maybe) and I would still like it as much

4. Zoom Suit 1 (April 2006) - Billy Tucci; I don't know anything about this comic series and I don't care; I have a black and white convention poster of this cover signed by the artist, which I told him I prefer to the colored cover in stores and he agreed; it's such a great design by such a great artist

5. Amazing Spider-Man 327 (December 1989) - Erik Larsen, who recently stepped down from being president of Image Comics; this is my first Marvel comic; released after Tim Burton's Batman movie came out, right before I really got into comics, I bought it because it has my favorite superhero (Spider-Man) with my favorite supervillain (Magneto) drawn by my favorite artist to this day (Erik Larsen)

6. Kabuki 9 (September 2007) - David Mack; most. original. design. ever.

7. X-23: Target X 1 (February 2007) - Mike Choi; I probably picked this up for the artwork, but the story turned out to be really good too; contrast this cover's stark white background to the busy, colorful cover on issue 2 (which I might prefer, but I'm a sucker for detailed drawings floating in empty space)

8. Green Arrow and Black Canary 6 (May 2008) - Cliff Chiang, my new favorite for drawing superheroines; I met him at Comic-Con where he was selling limited prints of different heroines from Saturday morning cartoons (G.I. Joe, He-Man, Thundercats) and anime (Battle of the Planets)

9. Ghost 1 (April 1995) - Adam Hughes, who most fanboys probably think of in connection with drawing superheroines; I particularly liked Catwoman 46 and his Black Canary variant cover for Justice League of America 6, but Ghost is where I was first exposed to him and what I will always connect him to in my mind, at least until his All Star Wonder Woman is finally released

10. Se7en 5 (May 2007) - one of the most horrific images I've ever seen and yet I can't look away; you can't tell here because it's so blurry, but the movie's villain has made a M.C. Escher-like maze from strips of flesh on the "proud" victim's face; shudder

Favorite Artists:
1. Erik Larsen - I started Amazing Spider-Man when he took over after Todd McFarlane (improving "the look"); I've followed his work since
2. Neal Adams - my first trade was The Greatest Batman Stories Ever Told and his entries were my favorites; then I found his X-Men Visionaries trade and learned that he created my favorite X-Man, Havok
3. John Byrne - She-Hulk in the FF; Superman revamp after Crisis...
4. Brian Bolland - Judge Dredd; I didn't start researching until after I got Batman: Cover to Cover and discovered his covers were my favorites
5. Skottie Young - I bought Cable and Deadpool recently just for his covers; next he's doing Marvel's new Classics Illustrated Wonderful Wizard of Oz and it's different from all you've seen

Favorite Writers:
1. Stan Lee - 'nuff said
2. Mark Millar - Superman: Red Son got me back into DC; Civil War, etc.
3. Ted Naifeh - discovered from the Polly and the Pirates #2 cover in Previews; now all Courtney Crumrin series are my favorites, but only one is on the top ten list down on the right
4. Brian Michael Bendis - fanboys' least favorite Ultimate Spider-Man issue is my favorite; he's known for his talking heads and it's an entire issue of Aunt May talking to her therapist
5. Grant Morrison - All Star Superman was the best series of 2007

Favorite Manga:
1. Masashi Tanaka - Gon, the most detailed, naturalistic art about a dinosaur
2. Amy Reeder Hadley - runner-up in the fourth Rising Stars of Manga Contest, therefore Tokyopop published Fool's Gold which probably led to Vertigo's Madame Xanadu now
3. Kaoru Mori - love her backgrounds on maid series like Emma and Shirley
4. Kiyohiko Azuma - writes about a kooky green-haired girl in Yotsuba&!
5. Osama Tezuka - I feel obligated as he's basically the godfather of manga

Many alternates: Basil Wolverton (Mad); Berni Wrightson (Swamp Thing); Carmine Infantino (Adam Strange); Damion Scott (How To Draw Hip-Hop); Dave Stevens (The Rocketeer); Ed Benes (Birds of Prey); Kevin Maguire (Justice League); Marc Hansen (Ralph Snart); Steve Ditko (my top four favorite characters: Spider-man, Dr. Strange, Blue Beetle AND The Question); Steve McNiven (Meridian); and Terry Moore (Strangers in Paradise)