My 31 Days of Halloween Start a Week from Today

By "31 Days of Halloween," I mean my 2nd annual 31-day horror movie review marathon, so come back here next Friday and everyday through October, if that sounds interesting to you. I don't claim that Halloween is all about horror movies, or vice versa for that matter. Halloween just makes for a good excuse to watch horror movies. The fact that there's a community of bloggers who celebrate by posting something related to Halloween for 31 days just makes for a good excuse to watch A LOT of horror movies. Halloween is all about fear. Horror movies are all about fear. That's the connection - nothing more and nothing less. Now for a rant.

Halloween has nothing to do with sex. Halloween is all about children and the dead, and if either of those make you think of sex, then you should seek professional help. Everybody seems to agree that pedophilia and necrophilia are wrong, but nobody seems to mind when young people celebrate Halloween by dressing like sex objects. If you want to talk about horror, that's real horror. It's scary but not enough to scare away the dead, which you may or may not remember is the original purpose of dressing up on Halloween. Straight or gay, it doesn't matter. Halloween has NOTHING to do with sex. So don't even think about calling it "the drag queen's holiday."

While I'm on the subject, horror movies also have nothing to do with sex. At least, they shouldn't. I hate it that the line between exploitation and horror has become so blurred over the last quarter century. The terms have become almost synonymous in most people's minds. Fans that grew up on '80s teen slashers actually complain anytime a new horror movie doesn't include boobs or gore. There's an unwritten rule that says a horror movie has to be rated "R" to be any good. These people would say mood and atmosphere belong solely to thrillers. For me personally, you can take the boobs and gore out of horror but not the mood and atmosphere, else it's not horror anymore.

Back to dressing up though. Halloween costumes should be about facing fears and this is a good thing. It may not be about love like Valentine's Day, or freedom like Independence Day, but Halloween has its morals. When children say "trick or treat," they should be learning to face the fear of receiving a "trick" rather than a "treat." It's a harsh lesson, but then it's a cruel world out there, and they need to be prepared. I can't think of a more noble cause for this pagan holiday. Literally and figuratively, Halloween has always been and will always be about facing death. Don't be superstitious about taunting death by dressing up as something that could kill you. Overcome fear of death by doing so.

If, after all that, you still want your Halloween to be sexy, may I recommend the Avatar Neytiri unitard. It's not recommended for preadolescents to go trick-or-treating in high heels, but for the adult female in your life, it may work at scaring off the dead. In addition to dressing up as something you fear, I recommend dressing up as something you hate. They say that we dislike the things we don't understand, and that sounds like fear of the unknown to me. My wife hated the movie, Avatar, so I'm all about this costume. What's the scariest costume to me, you ask? Well, scroll down to the bottom of these lists (a different costume category for each day in October) to find out:

Never Scary (10 costumes that deserve tricks on Halloween)
1. Anime/comic book characters - Archie and Friends, Hellboy, Naruto, Popeye and Speed Racer
2. Celebrity impersonators - Michael Jackson (yes, so soon), Lady Gaga, Marilyn Monroe, Barack Obama and Sarah Palin
3. Cultural stereotypes - Chinese cheongsam, German lederhosen, Hawaiian hula skirt, Native American buckskin and Scottish kilt
4. Fashion styles by decade - '20s flapper, '30s hobo, '50s greaser, '60s hippie and '80s rocker
5. Food items - banana, candy corn, condiments, cupcake and ice cream cone
6. High school cliques - cheerleaders, goths and marching band uniforms (although why would you do that to yourself?)
7. Politically incorrect - the KKK, Osama bin Laden in a "I (heart) NY" t-shirt and Ronald McDonald with a Hitler moustache
8. Recent movies/TV shows - Harry Potter, Jersey Shore, and coming to theaters next year, Smurfs
9. Sports uniforms - boxing gloves, fishing vest, football pads, lucha libre mask and a sumo suit
10. Toys/video games - Raggedy Ann/Andy, Super Mario Bros. and a Twister mat

Sometimes Scary (20 costumes that may earn treats on Halloween)
11. Aliens - the picture shown here was taken at this year's San Diego Comic-Con (it could be considered both scary and funny and you can't beat that)
12. Animals - scary if a bat, gorilla or spider; silly if a bunny, cat or an ostrich
13. Career paths - construction workers, police officers, soldiers, then again, you could just include all the Village People (definitely scary), but flight attendants and UPS delivery are still personal favorites (albeit not so scary)
14. Carney folk - bearded ladies, clowns or people covered in tattoos (all scary)
15. Couples' themes - Adam and Eve, bacon and eggs, plug and socket (okay, so maybe my examples for this category aren't scary, but the rest on this list are)
16. Dead things - La Llorona, skeletons and zombies
17. Escaped convicts and mad scientists - easily confused with the "career paths" category except for that wild look in their eyes, and maybe some blood on their hands
18. Fairy tales/folklore - Alice in Wonderland, Grimm's, mermaids, unicorns and The Wizard of Oz
19. Grim reapers - Azra'il, banshees, and Edgar Allan Poe's The Masque of the Red Death
20. Historical periods - cowboys, dinosaurs, knights, pirates and vikings
21. Makeshift/non-costumes - bedsheet ghosts, toilet paper mummies and trash bag California Raisins
22. Monsters/mythological creatures - dragons, golem, Medusa, vampires and werewolves
23. Ninjas - air, earth, fire and water (I'm kidding, I don't really know anything about ninjas but I'd be scared to meet one in a dark alley)
24. Other holidays - leprechauns, the Easter bunny, Santa Claus, the Statue of Libery and the Tooth Fairy(?)
25. Plants - a weeping willow tree swung onto the sidewalk at Universal Studios' Halloween Horror Nights one year and it was the scariest thing I saw there
26. Post-apocalyptic - gas masks, hazmat suits and two-headed mutants
27. Religious - angels and devils, friars and monks, nuns and priests, Satan himself
28. Robots - The Jetsons (1962), Star Wars (1977), Small Wonder (1985), Terminator 2: Judgement Day (1991) and Transformers (2007)
29. Scarecrows - when I was a kid, I thought one of the scariest TV shows ever was a Disney miniseries called Dr. Syn: The Scarecrow of Romney Marsh (1963)
30. Slasher staples - Chucky doll, Freddy Kruegger, Jason Voorhees, Leatherface and Michael Myers

Always scary (my pick for scariest Halloween costume/accessory)
31. Translucent masks - young female with lipstick and eye shadow or old male with a moustache and wrinkles; basically, it's you, but not quite you; wear it with any other costume and double the scare factor or wear it alone and try to go into a bank or convenience store; it's just as cheap and effective as putting pantyhose over your head; in other words, it hides your identity without hiding your face and people know right away that you're up to no good; these masks first stood out to me on Tricky's Knowle West Boy CD cover; they've been sold for decades during Mardi Gras and they used one with a yellow raincoat on Alice Sweet Alice (1976; Brooke Shields' first movie)