'60s Psychological Thriller I Just Saw for the First Time

"The New American prosperity of the early 1950s was won atop the largest bone pile in human history. World War II had claimed the lives of over 40 million soldiers and civilians, and introduced two radical new forms of mechanized death - the atomic bomb and the extermination camp - that seriously challenged the mind's ability to absorb, much less cope with, the naked face of horror at mid-century. And only five years after the fall of Germany and Japan, America was once again at war, this time a 'police action' in Korea haunted by the specter of the H-bomb, a looming necro-technology now shared uneasily with the Soviets. If America in 1950 was filled with the smell of new cars, it was still permeated by the stench of mass death, and the threat of more to come." (David J. Skal, The Monster Show: A Cultural History of Horror, p. 229)

Carnival of Souls (one star total) was released two years after Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho (1960) changed everything about horror movies, three years after The Twilight Zone (1959) turned Cold War terminology into an abstract but mainstream TV series, and four years after the Saltair Pavilion (1893) was closed down on the southern shore of Utah's Great Salt Lake. That should tell you where the ideas might have come from for a young, unmarried woman driving cross-country toward a twist ending, and an abandoned amusement park haunted by Death. Having lived in Salt Lake City, where Carnival of Souls (1962) was filmed, I recognized a few locations immediately. Aside from Saltair (now a concert venue where I saw The Strokes and Third Eye Blind), there's the wall surrounding Temple Square, the most historic tourist attraction downtown, where the main character gets "ignored" by a cop. There's also a scene in the park at City Hall when she passes out, right at the corner where my wife and I used to go for bubble tea. I can't help but wonder, was the idea for a job as a church organist was inspired by the Salt Lake Tabernacle pipe organ? The "theater" organ she's hired to play (pictured below) is minuscule in comparison to the Tabernacle's, but apparently it's capable of sounding creepier. Forget the familiar story that gets recycled in Carnival of Souls because the movie's really more about imagery and a particular point in pop culture. Stained glass windows and big, empty, old cathedrals have scared me since John Carpenter's Prince of Darkness (1987) but here, church and recreation come together in a dreamlike danse macabre. 1962 marked the "death" of the Golden Age of Radio with the final broadcast of one of its most popular programs, Suspense (1942). Whether the "TV generation" needed more sights than sounds to be horrified, or whether this transition gets indirectly referenced in Carnival of Souls is my own conjecture. The rise of TV was blamed for a lot of things, including the closure of the Saltair Pavilion. When the main character is unable to find anything on the radio but old-timey gospel music, it could just be to create atmosphere. Then again, it could be signifying the "death" of an era - the switch from swing dances to counterculture peace rallies, poodle skirts to mini skirts and "The Greatest Generation" to the baby boomers. After all, if teenage drag racers weren't hallucinating zombies before Carnival of Souls, they certainly were after JFK's assassination the next year or the increased draft to Vietnam the year after that.

Bela Lugosi, Mad Scientist

"Michael Jackson is often compared to Peter Pan, but Peter Pan is rarely acknowledged as the variation on Dracula that he is - a late-Victorian fantasy being who flew into young people's bedrooms with a problematic offer of life everlasting . . . The fantasy still flies. Rejuvenation and eternal youth are the driving illusions of the cosmetic surgery business, to which Michael Jackson's image is forever wed." (David J. Skal, The Monster Show: A Cultural History of Horror, p. 320)

The Corpse Vanishes (one star total) This is the oldest feature film to be riffed on Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1942 to be exact). It's one of those movies that would be unbearable to watch without the mocking commentary. There's a scene a little over halfway through where the same musical phrase gets repeated over and over. Before I even had a chance to fast forward though, Crow, Joel and Tom Servo started humming along like kazoos. Talk about taking lemons and making lemonade! Granted, everything sounds funnier coming out of a robot's mouth. Say anything in a robot voice and try not to smile. That's not to say that they speak robotically on MST3K. Well, Joel Hodgson does, but I think that's unintentional (he left the series after 100 episodes because he didn't feel comfortable acting in front of the camera). On this particular episode, he does a Bela Lugosi impersonation that sounds more like Sesame Street's Count von Count and it's still better acting than Lugosi's. Out of 198 total episodes, 66 (that's exactly one-third) are available for instant streaming on Netflix. If you do attempt to watch the original, unedited version of The Corpse Vanishes without the aid of MST3K, at least do so in the company of others. You could try riffing yourself about how the movie's family of freaks looks like Dick Tracy rogues' gallery or wonder aloud why "ace" reporters and "hard-boiled" newspaper editors were so popular in the early '40s. Without a doubt, someone will make a lewd comment about the mad scientist's wife moaning all through her rejuvenative procedure and everyone will laugh when she later slaps the journalist who's simultaneously barged into her home AND into the overall plot of an otherwise serious mad scientist movie.

'70s Vampire(?) Movie I Just Saw for the First Time

Martin (one star total)
Contribution to vampire movie mythology - vampirism as mental illness and/or child abuse

You'd think that a one-star review would write itself, that out of bitterness or to get revenge I would get on my soapbox and blast this movie with every scathing criticism I could conjure. Mostly, I just want to forget it and move on. But the point of this movie review marathon is to document my experience, for good or bad, so here goes it. Sometimes it's easier to define something by what it isn't that what it is. According to my movie review guide to the right, the opposite of half an orange star and half a green would be full red, yellow and blue stars. A movie with great script, great acting and great music, but without cinematography or studio trickery could very well be just a play. But that is not Martin (1977). Martin chases his victims from room to room (not impossible to show on stage, but still) and has black and white daydreams (instantaneous costume changes are harder to pull off on stage). Cinematic technique aside, you're left with a bad script, worse acting and THE worst '70s music I've ever heard. If it couldn't work as a play, is it possible it could still make for a great movie? According to director George Romero, it's his personal favorite out of all the movies he made, and that includes Night of the Living Dead (1968), Dawn of the Dead (1978), Day of the Dead (1985), Land of the Dead (2005), Diary of the Dead (2008) and Survival of the Dead (2009). Martin proves that Romero hasn't just done zombies (he's done exactly ten movies without), but it also shows why investors haven't bent over backwards to throw bigger budgets at his projects. He's got his own way of doing things, but I still love the thick, square glasses and the gray ponytail. If you want to see what he looked like as a young man, without the glasses or ponytail, watch Martin. He does cameos in a lot of his movies but this one's a big speaking part. If you're not interested in what he has to say, avoid this movie like your life depended on it.

'90s Western Movie I Just Saw for the First Time

The '90s saw a lot of good westerns (City Slickers, Dances with Wolves, Far and Away, Legends of the Fall, and my dad would say Quigley Down Under). The following movie isn't one of them:

I can't say that Wild Wild West (one star total) is the worst movie I've seen recently because a few months ago I had the displeasure of mostly fast-forwarding through Gentleman Broncos (2009). I can say, however, that Wild Wild West (1999) is the worst movie I've ever avoided the temptation to skim in fast-forward. The entire production seems to be have been made with nothing more than the theatrical trailer in mind. Every line of dialogue serves no narrative purpose other than to become a possible blurb. The bad guys are all dirty and unshaven or have physical deformities because, you know - they're the bad guys. The sexual innuendo is even less subtle than the good guys' disguises, which are transparent, lest any audience member be made to feel stupid. The whole movie caters to the lowest common denominators of comedy - name puns, race and redneck jokes, Will Smith getting frustrating and yelling. The only thing that could've made it more moronically accessible would've been a laugh track, like in a TV sitcom. Then lo and behold, I discover that this movie is actually a remake of an old TV sitcom! Turns out the '60s show was some kind of James Bond spoof with a western setting, but this remake is no Austin Powers (1997) in the Old West. Nor did director Barry Sonnenfeld repeat the success he'd had previously with a movie remake of TV's The Addams Family (1991; an improvement over the original, in my opinion). If you're looking for a good example of the "weird west" subgenre (horror or sci-fi with a western setting), try Back to the Future Part III (1990). If you're looking for a bad example that's still good, cheesy fun, try Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (1985). But no matter what you're looking for, do not watch Wild Wild West, not even to say you've watched the worst western of its kind.

Original Sequel Versus Remake Sequel

The Hills Have Eyes Part 2 (1985; one star total) These were the two hardest movies to sit through out of all the ones I watched for my "31 Days of Halloween" marathon. Whether that's because I was tired after watching 28 other horror movies in under a month's time or because these movies just suck that bad, I don't know. Sequels are known for being lazy and redundant but The Hills Have Eyes Part 2 actually recycles footage from the original for flashbacks. This is redundant on top of redundant because there are also narrated captions before the opening titles reviewing the plot of the original. Was Wes Craven really so worried that people watching the sequel wouldn't have seen the original or was he trying to wrap quicker on an easy paycheck after his success with A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)? Come to think of it, why would he have needed the money after Elm Street and why couldn't he get a bigger budget for this sequel? I've read that Wes Craven disowned this movie after its release but that doesn't mean he didn't put any thought into it to begin with, at least as much as he put into his next full-length feature, Deadly Friend (1986). Both of those movies fall into familiar '80s teen slasher territory during their second halves but their first halves each have some fresh subject matter (motocross in The Hills Have Eyes Part 2 and reanimated bodies with robot brains in Deadly Friend). I don't remember motocross being that big in the '80s but it's featured here a full year before the BMX movie, Rad (1986), and the first proper motocross movie, Winners Take All (1987). Also, affirmative action was hard at work because there's a black couple and a blind girl too, and she even survives better than the rest.

The Hills Have Eyes 2 (2007; two stars total) Sometimes I wish I could sit in on one of those boardroom meetings where a committee develops a movie from pitch to "marketable" script. I'd love to hear some suit say, "Y'know, Jarhead (2005) did pretty well and I hear they're making a sequel to Wrong Turn (2003). Maybe we could do a soldiers-in-training/mutant cannibal movie hybrid for our own remake sequel. Yeah, and instead of motocross like in the '80s sequel, we could show some other extreme sport - maybe rock climbing. Kids today love rock climbing. And some computer-generated images on a laptop. If the military was tracking these mutants, they'd use satellite like they're doing against those cave-dwelling Taliban in Afganistan." I'm not sure if that's really how producers talk, but you have to wonder when each scene in a movie seems like an item off a checklist of what's trendy. I wouldn't be surprised if the writers actually intended an anti-war message about sending insufficiently trained soldiers on an impossible mission against "uncivilized" suicide bombers. I didn't mind this movie on the surface. I liked the opening scene where an abducted woman gives birth to a half-mutant baby and then gets killed, but there's an underlying message there about how certain desert people treat women. I liked the sergeant in charge of the National Guard trainees, but the movie fizzles after he's killed in the first half hour. My advice to others would be to skip this sequel and get Resident Evil: Extinction (2007) instead. That is, if you have to watch a militant, monster-hunting sequel set in the desert from the same year.

Italian "Giallo" and the Living Dead

Cemetery Man (two and a half stars total) Before becoming the voice of Prince Charming on Shrek 2 (2004), his leading role on The Importance of Being Earnest (2002) and starting a trend of gay best friends on chick flicks like My Best Friend's Wedding (1997), Rupert Everett was an exploitation movie heartthrob, playing an obsessive cemetery caretaker with a mentally challenged assistant in Dellamorte Dellamore (1994, Cemetery Man in the U.S.). Think Of Mice and Men (1937) meets Army of Darkness (1993), only with more style and less substance. Nice guy Rupert Everett picks up on widows at their recently deceased husband's funerals, castrates himself and does a drive-by shooting downtown. His Igor-like assistant pukes on the mayor's daughter right before she is decapitated in a motorcycle accident and then offers to marry her zombie head (sorry for all the plot spoilers). If that sounds offensive (moreso than Shrek 2), then you're getting the right idea. The word "giallo" is Italian for "yellow," and the Giallo movie genre shares the sensationalism of "yellow" journalism and the cheapness of trashy, Italian, pulp novels with yellow covers. It mainly refers to crime thrillers released in the '60s and '70s and directed by Dario Argento (Tenebre, 1982), Mario Bava (The Girl Who Knew Too Much, 1963), Lucio Fulci (see below) or Sergio Martino (Torso, 1973). What does that have to do with Cemetery Man? Well, the Giallo movie genre soon veered into the teen slasher and zombie horror subgenres, and Michele Soavi, the director of Cemetery Man, is a protégé of Dario Argento. Fans of Terry Gilliam might also be interested to know Soavi worked on The Adventures of Baron Munchhausen (1988) and The Brothers Grimm (2005). Obviously these are all cult movies, but what other kind could have taught me a word like "ossuary?" (That word is the cue to Cemetery Man's best scene, shown below.)

Zombie (also known as Zombi 2, Island of the Living Dead, Zombie Island, Zombie Flesh Eaters and Woodoo; one star total) Not all zombies are created equal (neither are all zombie movies). Traditionally they are "undead" because of supernatural curses, mostly from Afro-Caribbean Voodoo but arguably from Egyptian mummification as well. Some come from medical science like in Mary Shelley's Frankenstein (1818) and H.P. Lovecraft's Herbert West - Reanimator (1921). Others come from exposure to radiation like in George Romero's Night of the Living Dead (1968). Apocalyptic zombies are the current popular form and probably come from our fears about infectious viruses like AIDS and Bird flu, hence the animal origins in Peter Jackson's Dead Alive (1992) and Danny Boyle's 28 Days Later (2002). Lucio Fulci's Zombi 2 (1979) can't really be considered "the Italian" sequel (even though it tried) to George Romero's Dawn of the Dead (1978, which was was called Zombi in Italy) because it's based on Voodoo and not radiation. Cheap. Exploitative. But what else could you expect from a Giallo director? Keep in mind that it was released a year after Faces of Death and I Spit on Your Grave (both 1978) and the same year as Caligula (1979). It was riding on the peak of exploitation fare. It's not completely void of ingenuity though. It just takes an hour to get to the zombie takeover. The first 20 minutes are a complete waste of time and filmstrip. The movie doesn't start to pick up until the infamous underwater zombie versus shark fight. If that scene isn't worth your price of admission alone, may I recommend fast-forwarding to the eye-gouging or the jugular spurting. The Blue Underground 25th Anniversary Special Edition DVD offers audio tracks in English or Italian, plus subtitles for both, but you don't really need the audio. Fans praise the soundtrack for sounding creepy, but it's just distorted and repetitive chords on '70s-era synthesizer.

"Feel Good" Schmeel Good

My wife loves what I call "Hallmark" movies, although they're not all officially from Hallmark. Most people just call them "feel good" movies (see http://www.trulymovingpictures.org/the-list.aspx). High School Musical 3 is supposedly "the feel good movie of the year," so she wanted to see it, plus a dancer friend of hers is an extra in the movie, so she HAD to see it. All I Want for Christmas is a TV movie that made it onto a DVD at Blockbuster and I didn't plan on watching it, but then I thought it might be interesting to review side-by-side with HSM3.

In High School Musical 3, (two and a half stars total) the seniors' graduation isn't the most important one, that would be the series' graduation to the big screen. Remember that scene in Dream a Little Dream where Corey Feldman dresses up like Michael Jackson and dances on the bleachers in the school gym? I kept trying to tell myself that somehow wasn't as cheesy as High School Musical, but it wasn't. HSM is like the new generation's version of that scene, but stretched to an hour and a half. It would be unfair to review this movie as anything other than what it is, a high school production of a musical with Disney $$$. Therefore, I decided to just break it down by song (track listing provided by iTunes):

1. "Now Or Never" - back to Michael Jackson, this opener owes so much to "Jam" (listen and compare); the main difference I see here from old Fred Astaire and Gene Kelly movies is that you couldn't be sure whether those guys were really singing or not; in HSM, it's plainly obvious they're lip-synching

2. "Right Here, Right Now" - why do all bubblegum pop artists sing so nasally? the post-game party in the background of this song has more movement than any real-life, standing awkwardly in one place, underage drinking party in existence

3. "I Want It All" - a teenage guy in a necktie and a girl in go-go boots - they MUST be the villains! this is the best number as it looks the closest to a classic, Busby Berkeley stage production

4. "Can I Have This Dance" - songs like this are the reason I avoid country/R&B radio stations; I used to live mere blocks from the true East High where they filmed this and I don't think there's a rooftop garden, much less one that would be easily accessible by students

5. "A Night To Remember" - a Britney-esque which I really can't remember; what does stick out in my mind is that the class president/valedictorian/smart chick always wears the same outfit in different colors; what's up with that, plus all the tree climbing in the movie too?

6. "Just Wanna Be With You" - it was hard for me to believe that a couple who act like childhood friends and perform in musical theater could still be nervous about things like dancing the waltz

7. "The Boys Are Back" - this was to say that acting, much like the superhero genre, is just for kids; by the end of the movie, I hope all audiences have learned the moral that you're never too old to have fun; the acrobats performing during this number are worth most of the ticket price

8. "Walk Away" - I kid you not, the chorus on this is a total ripoff of "Don't Turn Around" by Ace of Base; I already mentioned that I lived right by the real East High, but I also was born in Albuquerque (where the HSM series is set), so I'm surprised I don't care more overall

9. "Scream" - could have been a cool Michael Jackson tribute; instead, it's the most annoying song and the creepiest sequence, where student and teacher are alone together in the school building in the dark

10. "Senior Year Spring Musical" - if you liked Drumline and Stomp the Yard as did I, then you'll appreciate the hip hop-styled marching band formations here

11. "We're All In This Together" - more like the traditional high school choir sound; I was confused by the two main female characters putting their arms around each other for graduation pictures because I thought they were enemies; I guess I missed the part where they explain that there are no enemies here (like this song title suggests) except for the foreign exchange student (and is it wrong for me to think she was the coolest character of all?)

12. "Just Getting Started" - typical, Broadway-sounding crap; if this was the "feel good" movie of the year because the series is ending, I get it; but mostly I just think it will become a guilty pleasure for the kids of today, after they grow up and look back - much like my Michael Jackson and Ace of Base CDs

All I Want for Christmas (one star total) was good in that it helped me realize what I hate about most "feel good" movies, which I think I'll start calling "force feed" movies instead. Forgetting for a moment how utterly implausible most of their plots are (a widowed mother just happens to live next door to a guy who is always available to watch her son, be his Boy Scout leader, and volunteer at her homeless shelter), they are often manipulative to the point of puking. Did I mention that the widow looks like a model, and her late husband was a NYC cop killed in the line of duty? How else COULD the audience feel about this? Everyone is so darn likable and the only thing they ever do wrong is not communicate openly with each other (which happens to also be my main reason for dismissing most romantic comedies). Did I mention that all the characters live in fabulous, roomy condos near Central Park, regardless of their realistic incomes? Beautiful people in beautiful settings earn this movie half a yellow and half an orange star. But the music... Ugh, the music. Just. Would. Not. Stop. I felt like I couldn't breathe with the constant, Leave It To Beaver-style themes telling me how I should feel in EVERY scene. By the time good neighbor proposes to the widow (in a church, no less) on Christmas Eve (to top it off), the audience must either be in tears or headed to the restroom to purge themselves of the whole affair.