Steven Seagal's First Ten Movies

There are few guarantees in life but in Steven Seagal movies, there are exactly three. Arms will be broken, there will be not-so-subtle messages about corruption, and in the first ten minutes of each movie, Seagal will go from being an innocent bystander to verbally challenging someone a) bigger than him, b) higher up the totem pole than him, or c) he will singlehandedly take on a whole group of guys that are even uglier than him. I never liked him as much as Jean-Claude Van-Damme growing up, and while we're on the subject of hypothetical, celebrity, death matches, I never liked Sylvester Stallone as much as Arnold Schwarzenegger either. As an adult, the accents of Van Damme and Schwarzenegger deflate my suspension of disbelief every time. In retrospect, it's good that Stevie and Sly stayed a little more down to earth, never taking scripts that bend the very fabric of space and time like their contemporaries (Timecop, 1994, and Total Recall, 1990), but if they had, I can see now how '80s playground meatheads would've eaten it up.

Here is my ranking for Steven Seagal's first ten movies, from best to worst (number one being the very best):

1. Under Siege (1992) this is the one where Steven Seagal has no ponytail and uses throwing knives to prepare "50 gallons of bouillabaise;" the technical jargon is what makes it for me but I can see how that might break it for someone in the know; The Hunt for Red October this is not; it's the second collaboration with director, Andrew Davis (The Fugitive, 1993); the first was...

2. Above the Law (1988) this is the one where a young Seagal has long, bushy sideburns and speaks Japanese; its ideas are loftier than those in most revenge plots and its scope spans the globe from Asia to North and South America, but that's also what weighs it down; Beverly Hills Cop (1984) still has better '80s music and more spectacle

3. The Glimmer Man (1996) this is the one where an old Seagal who's starting to put on some weight claims to be Buddhist and speaks Russian; he's partners with Damon Wayans, (the first of many gritty, urban, odd couple, action team-ups), and they make random references to Casablanca (1942) and Sun Tzu's The Art of War (600 B.C.)

4. Executive Decision (1996) this is the one where he gets killed in the first half hour, but not before he barks orders at everyone and squints a lot at Kurt Russell, who takes over when it switches to a bomb squad suspense story that was probably trying to cash in on the success of Speed (1994); Seagal was just the head fake to get people in theaters

5. Fire Down Below (1997) this is the one where he awkwardly keeps his arms folded in front and plays an impromptu guitar solo at the town dance; it features cameos by several country music stars, but they still manage to play some Jimi Hendrix right before the best truck chase scene since Terminator 2: Judgement Day (1991)

6. Out for Justice (1991) this is the one where he wears a beret and speaks Italian; it's a mob story set in Brooklyn so you know it's got the worst language of any of the movies on this list; it also has the goriest fight scenes although not much happens in between those besides driving around listening to the Beastie Boys

7. Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995) this is the only later movie without a ponytail and he lets kids like Katherine Heigl and Morris Chestnut (before they were famous) take most of the one-liners; the final knife fight is much longer than the awesome one at end of the first movie, but here Seagal also drops his knife halfway through and has to defend himself with his feet

8. Marked for Death (1990) this is the one where he starts dressing all in black and tries to quit his corrupting job because it's making him feel corrupted; there's a machine shop music montage that demands manly claps and cheers; don't ask me what's up with the dancehall reggae and the voodoo resurrection, but if it leads to swordfighting and severed limbs, it's irie, mon

9. On Deadly Ground (1994) this is the one where he wears a Native American fringed jacket and takes a vision quest with an Eskimo tribe; I would say this is the worst of the bunch because of the slow motion fight scenes but then there are deaths from collateral damage at the end which have nothing to do with Seagal and that's a breath of fresh air

10. Hard to Kill (1990) this is the one where he comes out of a coma looking like Charles Manson and he wears an American flag bandana; it's convenient that he gets rescued by a hot nurse who's in love with him and she happens to have a secluded ranch with a weight lifting gym; it's not as cheesy as Road House (1989) but it has a soundtrack like a late night infomercial