This Is My Last Movie Review

"Unbeknownst to most moviegoers, the saddest story in films concerns the emergence of brutal scorekeeper critics." (film critic Manny Farber in 1965, as quoted this year by film critic J. Hoberman, Harpers magazine, July 2010)

"For the past month, I've been trying to fully engage with the social layer. I joined and contributed to such services and platforms as Quora, Twitter, Foursquare, Facebook, Blippy, Swipely, DailyBooth, Goodreads, Daytum, etc., etc. I tried to tweet five times a day. I gave two sites access to my credit cards so I could share my purchases with friends. I did my best to check in wherever I went on Foursquare. And what it all made me feel, mostly, was stupid. And anxious - that I didn't have enough people following me and then that I was the kind of person who wants people to follow him." (Bartholomew Cooke, GQ magazine, December 2010)

The Social Network (four and a half stars total) has the second best soundtrack of the year, the first being Inception, which is all about the music, in my opinion. Just based on those movies' trailers, I'd already awarded a blue star to each, long before I ever saw either one. The music on Inception's trailer instantly inspired parodies on YouTube (including an acapella one) and The Social Network's trailer earned a record deal for some Belgian women's choir (Scala & Kolacny), all because of their version of Radiohead's "Creep." The trailer for Catfish, AKA "the other Facebook movie," even tried subtly connecting itself to The Social Network by playing a children's choir (Langley Schools) version of The Beach Boys' "Good Vibrations." I mention this for my own future reference, but also to point out that music is very important to me, moreso than story or visuals in a movie, therefore the different-colored stars under my "movie review guide" are not all equal. Whether that's a flaw in my system or a flaw in my use of the system is up to you. This applies to The Social Network in that Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg created a system for communication that, according to the movie, is either flawed by its very nature or at the very least, used by some for very flawed reasons. I'll admit that I don't have a Facebook account nor do I know the exact defintion of the term "algorithm" but that doesn't prevent me from appreciating a movie derived from these things. The story is metafictional enough to comment on itself with lines like "there's got to be a land speed record for talking" (the dialogue and pacing require multiple viewings). I've heard people complain about the ratio of fact to fiction in this unapologetic "biopic," but they do make it easy to tell the difference whenever there's a melodramatic scarf burning or cinematic workplace violence. If reality is what you want, look no further than the irony of the special effects "twins." Where most movies would have stopped short with that "achievement" by itself, this movie gave each twin a unique personality. Now that's how you use special effects for the story's sake, and not the other way around! But back to music, when "Baby You're a Rich Man" started playing over the end credits, I knew one era had ended and another had begun. Much like the movie's protagonist, The Beatles' back catalog has spent far too much time in litigation, but if these kids with their new-fangled Webhacktweeterwalls can save the past from itself and get oldies playing on the big screen again, maybe they can save the future too.

Unconventional Christmas Movies

So many people told me today that they were glad that Christmas was behind them or that it didn't feel especially Christmasy this year. If you're like me, it was over too soon and you can never get enough. That's why it pays to know where you can go for a discreet Christmas fix without tipping off any haters who might make fun of you. Perhaps you looked at the EW poll pictured here (click to enlarge) and thought, "Love Actually can't possibly be the second most popular Christmas movie, it's not even a Christmas movie, and neither is Die Hard!" If so, you were half right. They may not be Formal Christmas movies per se, but any movie that doesn't star Santa Claus and/or include singing about snow can be an Informal Christmas movie. You can watch the latter kind of movie anytime throughout the year without fear of being judged. If you think Gremlins (1984) and Edward Scissorhands (1990) are pushing the envelope when it comes to what's considered Christmasy, check out the five highest rated theatrical releases on IMDb under the keyword "Christmas:"

1. The Godfather (1972)
2. Goodfellas (1990)
3. The Apartment (1960)
4. Full Metal Jacket (1987)
5. Annie Hall (1978)

If those don't make you feel that extra something special, you can always turn to my unconventional favorites:

1. The Family Man (2000)
2. Serendipity (2001)
3. Better Off Dead (1985)
4. Donnie Brasco (1997)
5. Batman Returns (1992)

The Twelfth CD of Christmas

When we got into the car yesterday, we asked my son what he wanted to listen to and he said "Christmas tree music" (for him, Christmas is all about the tree still). I have a Christmas mix CD in the car which starts off with "Skating," one of Vince Guaraldi's jazz songs from A Charlie Brown Christmas, but even when I play jazz that's not Christmas-themed, he calls it "Christmas tree music." Well anyway, my wife had just finished burning a CD with a different Christmas mix, so she popped that in but the first track wasn't jazzy. Lo and behold, my son cried out, "That's not Christmas tree music!" So from the mouth of babes, Christmas is jazz. Just in case you didn't know. And that's really interesting to me because for a lot of kids that grew up on A Charlie Brown Christmas, that's probably true. But even if you hated those holiday specials like I did, there's still all the jazz crooners that seem to dominate Christmas: Dean, Ella, Frank, Louis, and Sammy. Okay, maybe not so much "dominated" by Louis Armstrong, but since his name has come up here, it gives me a great segue into the final CD, Wynton Marsalis' Christmas Jazz Jam. You see, when most people think about jazz, they think about Louis Armstrong, but whenever I hear the name Louis Armstrong, I'm always reminded of Wynton Marsalis. That's because everything I know about Louis Armstrong, I learned from the Ken Burns Jazz documentary, which is mostly about Armstrong and relies heavily on interviews with Marsalis, who pronounces Louis with an "s" instead of "Louie," like everyone else I've heard talk about him. Modern jazz purists criticize the Burns doc for only covering the music before 1960, much the same way they criticise Marsalis for being "stuck in the past" musically. I personally don't care that his Christmas album is mostly Dixieland jazz. It's sure happier than a Charlie Brown TV special is. But if you're looking for sad and slow, there's a bluesly take on "Blue Christmas." If you're looking for something more modern, at least give his "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer" a try. When I bought this CD, it had a sticker on the wrapper that said it was a Target exclusive, like two other awesome mix CDs that I already owned, A Holly Jolly Christmas: 15 Kids' Christmas Classics and Santa Baby: A Romantic Christmas. Now I see that Christmas Jazz Jam is available on iTunes and I feel a little cheated. I'll get over it though because I know Christmas isn't actually about trees or even jazz, it's about sharing. So thank you for sharing the Twelve Days of Christmas with me while I shared my favorite CDs.

As a bonus, here is a list of my top ten Christmas songs, regardless of artist or style (in alphabetical order, with the number of versions I own):
1. "Ave Maria" (5)
2. "Carol of the Bells" (10; betcha can't guess which song is my popular favorite; for a version that's scarier than the tubular bells on The Exorcist, check out the sustained dissonance at the end of Ray Conniff's "Ring Christmas Bells")
3. "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring" (4)
4. "The Little Drummer Boy" (8)
5. "Mary's Lullaby" (the two that I own are two completely different songs; there's the LDS Children's Songbook song and the John Rutter one that I sang in choir at the University of Utah; yes, I can be heard on iTunes, albeit in a sea of voices)
6. "Merry Christmas Baby" (5)
7. "O Holy Night" (7)
8. "Silver Bells" (7)
9. "Sleigh Ride" (6; this is probably my personal favorite, even though I don't own that many versions of it; the only contender would be "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring" and I own even less versions of that; for a very contemporary sound, check out KT Tunstall's new release)
10. "This Christmas" (5)

The Eleventh CD of Christmas

"The reggae Christmas tradition didn't just roll in overnight, it reaches all the way back to the old-school artists who cut their teeth in the pre-reggae days of ska and rocksteady . . . Ska pioneers Byron Lee & The Dragonaires pump some punchy horns and perky organ riffs into an old holiday standard, ending up with "Winter Wonderland Reggae." And historic harmonizers The Ethiopians stir up a rocksteady beat for the ring of that "Ding Dong Bell." (iTunes Essentials Reggae Christmas "Deep Cuts" introduction)

The first time I ever heard a reggae version of a Christmas song was six years ago in Toronto. We were visiting my sister-in-law and at the time she lived mere blocks from Kensington Market, apparently the home of a significant Rastafari population. I'm always intrigued by music that's played loud enough to be considered noise pollution, so I made my way over to the tent where this old Jamaican guy was blaring his very own Soul Vibes Reggae X-mas mix CD from a speaker half as tall as me. For fear that nobody would believe what I'd heard, I asked him if he would sell me a copy. Next thing I know he's pulled out an suitcase full of bootleg CDs and wants to bargain. The CD (homemade liner notes pictured above) turned out to sound like crap on every other stereo system besides his and maybe I was high on whatever that guy was smoking when I bought it, but it has led to further enlightenment, also known as "My Top 20 Reggae Christmas Songs" playlist (titles in bold are personal favorites):

The Chistmas Album
1. "Rich Man for Christmas" - Lady Saw

Christmas Eclectic
2. "Silent in the Night (Dub Mix 2)" - Up Bustle & Out feat. Blaze

Christmas Greetings from Studio One
3. "Jingle Bells" - Roy Richards
4. "White Christmas" - Bob Marley

Christmas Party Time in the Tropics
5. "Winter Wonderland Reggae" - Byron Lee & The Dragonaires

Now That's What I Call Christmas! Vol. 4
6. "A Child Is Born" - Rihanna
7. "Drummer Boy" - Sean Kingston

Reggae Christmas
8. "Here Comes Santa Claus" - Winston Francis
9. "Have Yourself a Merry Christmas" - Heavy Beat Crew (if just for the lyrics, "if you drink, then remember don't drive, want you all to stay alive")

Reggae Christmas from Studio One
10. "Hi Fashion Christmas" - Dillinger & The Brentford Harmonics (samples "54-46 That's My Number" by Toots & The Maytals)
11. "Real Christmas Rock" - Tennessee Brown & The Silvertones

Sweet Reggae Christmas
12. "Christmas a Come" - Chaka Demus & Ini Kamoze

Trojan Christmas Box Set
13. "Ding Dong Bell" - The Ethiopians
14. "Merry Merry Christmas" - Alton Ellis & The Lipsticks
15. "The Night Before Christmas" - Eek-A-Mouse
16. "O Come All Ye Faithful" - Freddie McGregor
17. "We Wish You a Reggae Christmas" - Yellowman
18. "Santa Claus Dub" - The Aggrovators
19. "C-H-R-I-S-T-M-A-S" - The Rhythm Aces

Verve Remixed Christmas
20. "I've Got My Love to Keep Me Warm (Yesking Remix)" - Billie Holiday

The Tenth CD of Christmas

"On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me" the last title for an unintentional top ten list of Christmas CDs (sorry tonot follow the meter or rhyme scheme of the song). I say "unintentional" because when I decided to blog about a different album each day during the Twelve Days of Christmas, the only order I put them in was the order that I bought them. Music is all about memories though, and the the CDs that bring back the most memories are the ones I've owned the longest. So by default, the first ten that I bought also happen to be my top ten of all time. If you told me I could only own one Christmas CD, I would choose Music Box Christmas (see my 12/10 post). But I understand that music boxes are my own personal obsession and might sound monotonous or shrill to someone else. Changing the scenario, if you told me YOU could only one Christmas CD, I would recommend Christmas with Conniff (1959). Why the switch? It's because of all the CDs I've blogged about thus far (there's two more on their way, but they're not "top ten"), none are as much middle-of-the-road fun for the whole family, perfect for parties without being too loud, yet reverent of the Christmas spirit without being too slow. In other words, if you don't like Ray Conniff, I don't want to know you.

According to one reviewer on Amazon, Ray Conniff was "Muzak before Muzak was Muzak," but I disagree. The unique thing about Conniff's music was he had the singers wordlessly "sing" the instrumental parts, something like scat, but definitely not like elevator music. Most Conniff fans seem to agree that We Wish You a Merry Christmas (1962) was his best holiday album, but I disagree with that too. The tracklisting on the back of that CD may say that there are twelve songs, but half of them are medley segments, so there are really only six tracks. Even then the whole album is no more than a half hour long, and the last two tracks are annoying rhythmically, so you're basically paying the price of a full album for four good songs. (The liner notes describe it differently: "a rhythm sound that is one of the album's particular delights, and the chorus takes full advantage of the unusual alternating 4/4-3/4 beat.") This leads me to his third holiday album, Here We Come A-Caroling (1965), which according to another reviewer on Amazon, "replaced the harps with guitar," though it only bothered me on two out of the twelve unique songs. The bottom line is that Ray Conniff was always innovative, even if that goes against the definition of "elevator music."