Monday, April 27, 2009
Everything I Need To Know I Learned in Sunday School
This isn't to be preachy but for me to keep a record of my thoughts and the side talk that I have with my wife during class at church. One of the lesson points yesterday was on keeping the sabbath day holy and resting from our labors. Someone compared the things we should do on Sundays to the things we will do in the next life. My wife turned to me and whispered something to the effect of: "I don't want to sit on a cloud and play the harp in heaven. I just want to die and stay dead." I had no idea she was so tired. Neither of us really believe that anyone will sit on a cloud and play the harp in heaven. I feel obligated to mention that my wife doesn't really want to die and stay dead either. She is afraid of death though (I'm not), and what she fears most is being separated from loved ones who may or may not end up in the same place as her. This isn't to suggest that she feels superior to anyone she knows, if anything she would sacrifice a better place in heaven just to stay close to a loved one. We make quite the pair because I'm afraid of life (as in living with loved ones), and what I fear most is others' disapproval and unmet expectations. After death that will all be over with and we'll just have to deal with it, case closed. There's a reason I live half a day's drive from my nearest relatives. Don't get me wrong, I lead a happy life and I'm not anxious to die. Nor should my happiness be misconstrued as contentment. I know I'm far from perfect and therefore I hope I don't die anytime soon. I also hope that my wife gets over her fear of death before her time comes because she's a good person and deserves some rest.
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I know how Marissa feels. You probably don't know this, but I have a very real phobia of death. My concern isn't a state of inexistence, but the length of time I may / may not exist. Each day we enter a short period of disappearance. Despite dreaming, there are stages of sleep where the conscious mind isn't aware of existence. I have no fear of that. In fact, sleep is may favorite part of Monday-Thursday.
It's infinite that gets my goat. Imagine not existing - forever (think Sandlot). The thought of disappearing forever terrifies me. Worse, I have never really been comforted by notions of an afterlife. I don't have faith in any afterlives, and I'm not really interested in any of the ones I have heard about.
So yes, I used to have panic attacks while trying to fall asleep because I would imagine the end of self. I'm happy to say that I've become somewhat better, but I still don't care much for the idea of death. I'll just keep sticking with my motto: I doubt that I'll exist after I die, but I hope we all do.
For a good read on the miracle of life, read a good book called "(Earth)* A Short History of Nearly Everything".
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